Thursday, March 31, 2011

We all have our vices

Television is ALL over our fascination with people lacking self control, and we are inundated with programming chronicling their lives.

The food addicts. “Too Fat for 15” is quite possibly my favorite show to watch while shoveling literally HANDFULLS of popcorn into my face. I’m not proud of that. But it’s like you simply can’t look away when the 500 pound 16 year old is frying herself a grilled cheese sandwich and eating pizza, washing it all down with sweet tea as an after school snack. Or need I mention the TV show “Ruby” where the commercials have her riding what I can only assume is a titanium reinforced bike down the road. We’ve seen the bumblebee slap the laws of physics in the face with its ability to fly, and Ruby took a big old page out of their book.
I’m not judging, since it’s by the grace of God and genetics I too don’t weigh a bout a million pounds since my diet today alone has consisted of Hersey hugs and frozen thin mints. And on that note, how exactly is America supposed to stay thin when we can have cookies delivered to our door? You know who I blame for America’s obesity? Not McDonalds. I blame Juliet Gordon Lowe and her destructive organization, the Girl Scouts. Oh yea, you little fat pimping munchkins, I will help you reach your goal by never reaching my goal weight ever again.

The hoarders. Oh my gosh, this show. You go into their house and they admittedly haven’t thrown anything away in 20 years. The junk is piled to the ceiling and the poor old man with scoliosis has to sleep in his car because he doesn’t want to throw away the broken toilet seats. This show literally tears you apart emotionally because on one hand you feel so badly for their family, and on the other, you’re cracking up at the fact that they haven’t cleaned their cat box in a decade and the CDC is coming to condemn their house. And they lose their minds when you throw away the teddy bear collection. My question is, what do they think is going to happen when the crew leaves? Dumpster diving, that’s what.

The baby addicts. Holy cow, the Duggars. Aside from the fact that someone named “Jim Bob” is allowed to procreate, how is it that their show is up to something like “21 and counting”? This woman isn’t having litters of children like John and Kate, she’s onezy-twozy-ing this situation. And they name every kid with a J name. I’m going to call it like I see it, there’s a strong to very strong chance the parents don’t’ remember all of their kids. And they are using pneumonic devices to remember the names. Like “I always dress this little guy in rainbow colors. Rainbow… multi-colored…techicolored….technicolored dream coat…. Joseph and the Technicolored Dream Coat…. JOSEPH!”. Also, this family is the reason we can still go out and purchase denim rompers in adult sizes. No one else buys them but the manufactures sell so many of them to this family alone, they think they are still hot items.

The sex addicts. You would think that I’m talking about some obscure reality show about people that can’t stop having sex. I’m actually referencing the TV show “The Secret Life of an American Teenager”. After some quantitative research, the show is averaging saying the word “sex” every 47 seconds of air time upon my calculations. If you haven’t seen it, you can’t imagine how awkward it is to say ANY word that often, much less when the people are 16 and talking about having sex with literally anything. Even the token downe syndrome character is running some serious game in the special ed social circle. And with lines like “I had sex! I had sex and it was great and that’s why dad is dead!!” it’s a show that you can’t help but DVR. Really? Great sex kills your dad? I’d say talking about it as much as you do is what’s killing him. Maybe zip it or your mom’s next. Also, I’m totally convinced these characters are high school juniors. Nice jugs.

I have an addiction problem, and I know that the first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have one. My addiction is to purchasing $5 movies out of the bin at Blockbuster, and to be quite honest, I don’t really want to overcome it right now. I just bought Ice Castles, 13 Going on 30 (The Fun and Flirty edition) and Chicken Run, to name a few. They were $5, and I’m not going to stop til I have every crappy movie that I wouldn’t even watch if it were on constant replay on TBS. My friend erin is worse, she’s hoarding VHS movies like ConAir. So if there’s an intervention, my vote is to start with her.