Monday, December 16, 2013

Why Europe Couldn’t Be Any Weirder

I love Europe. Mostly because whenever I go over there it’s for work and all my food is paid for, and I especially love food. But I also love it for how different it is from the US, and I find that refreshing. However, after spending 3 weeks over there recently, it became less “refreshing” and more “funky”. And not like the cool girl at school who can wear the shirt with 1 sleeve and crimp her hair and pull it off, funky.

Reason 1: You have to be Nostradamus to go to the bathroom.



The light switches for all bathrooms are located outside of the bathroom. Which means if the door is closed and you’re walking in, you have to know ahead of time that the light is on or off, lest you be waltzing in to a dark room and then having to walk backwards to retrace your steps and find your way out. Once you are back out of the room, you then have to turn into Copernicus and search high and low for said light switch. Mind you, their light switches are the size and shape of a toaster strudel, which in its own right is weird.



We can’t have this here. You know why? Because I would, 100% of the time, turn the light off on people in the bathroom while I’m outside of it. I mean, this would in no way ever get old for me. And simultaneously, people would do it to me as well. American’s aren't mature enough for this. And quite frankly, I like to be the boss of if the lights are on or off while I’m in there.

Reason 2: The blow dryers are just for show



They shouldn't be called blow dryers. You have to be a contortionist to simply operate the contraption, which forces you to hold a button in the ENTIRE time you’re using it. Was it a big problem in the past, people just turning a blow dryer on, setting it down, leaving, and a building burning down? Is that why this added safety precaution exists? It’s equally as frustrating as when you go to a gas station and the clicky thing isn’t there and you have to hold the pump the whole time.

And as if that wasn't enough, I would equate the ferocity of the blow dryer’s effect as the same as if you paid a 6 year old a quarter to stand there and just blow air from their mouth on your head. That level of commitment to the task at hand.



 Cut to 45 minutes later, hair still wet and looking worse than before you washed it.

Reason 3: Elf-sized portions of beverages



Yes I’m American, and pretty much everyone’s favorite joke over there is that we do everything bigger. Ouch. They really know how to cut us to the core. You know why we do everything bigger? Because a shot glass is not an appropriate container for coffee in the morning. I actually invented a large coffee when I was over there. It went something like this:

Me: Hi, yes, I want your biggest coffee you have, please.
Coffee Lady: We only have 1 size (holds up world’s smallest cup)
Me: Alright. I would like 4 of those please.
Coffee Lady: Ok. I can put them all together in this larger cup (magically pulls reasonably sized cup out from the abyss).
Me: Yes. Do that. Also, that’s the new definition of “your biggest coffee”.

I mean. I saw the world make a little more sense to her that day. Also, side note to their commitment to dehydration, they are OVERLY committed to bread. I mean, here’s a whole loaf of bread, bon appétit. Sick. Also, meats and cheeses take way too much of a front-and-center role in the lunch arena. Pleck.



Reason 4: Their Idea of “Walking Distance” is Debatable

Let’s put it this way: I break out in a full sweat peeling an apple. So to walk a mile to grab something to eat means nobody wins if they’re near me. It is totally reasonable to be like “oh I biked to work today… 12 miles… I’m going running during lunch and biking home after”. I can only assume they are going home to swim laps in their daily triathlon-styled life.




Not to mention, it’s so cold in Europe right now that sometimes I just forgot to breathe. I LITERALLY thought to myself “why do I feel so light-headed” and it was because my insides were sick of being as cold as my outsides so i stopped breathing. I get that it’s the least conducive place in the world for anything other than a man on a horse, or possibly a chariot, but the walking thing is brutal. I’ll just stay in the office and eat cold cuts, thank you very much.