No matter who you are, what you do, or how old you are there will always be a consistent group of people in your life. No, I don’t mean parents, loved ones, friends. Not everyone has loved ones. Look at Charlie Sheen. Literally no one loves him. I’m talking about the people that you might not even know their names but they fill this void in your life.
The Person That Reads Large Signs Out Loud
This is not the guy reading something that’s small to someone squinting to be able to read it. This is the guy reading billboards as you drive down the road. Literally yelling “ATTENTION!” as if you didn’t see the words written 30 feet high. Are they under the impression you’re illiterate? Have they designated themselves the narrator for your life all of the sudden? This person also crops up in movies when at the beginning of the movie there a word or two dictating the starting scene. “SUMMER 1435….”. Question, why are they yelling? They’re always yelling.
The Person Who has No Business being on a PA System
This often times happens on an airplane. The flight attendants are given a script to recite for buckling seat belts and “in case of an water evacutation blah blah blah”, but should circumstances call for them to deviate from the script it’s always the person who’s the least comfortable with public speaking who grabs the mic. These people don’t even begin to think about what they need to say until the speaker is already picked up. They fill the space with the usual “umms” and pauses, but my favorite part is that they try to overcompensate for their lack of preparation by using the biggest words they know. I swear on a recent trip when they were trying to tell everyone they were out of Fresca the lady said “trapezoid”. Fact.
This is just unsanitary. Also, this chick couldn't be more the 4th type of person on this post...
The gum guy
I don’t know how they do it. I buy a pack of gum and manage to lose the entire pack without having even chewed 3 pieces, yet somehow still get about 1000 wrappers in my car. But the gum guy is ALWAYS prepared with gum for sharing purposes. To the point where you almost take advantage of that fact and don’t purchase your own ever again. Are they having to budget for the gum consumption every month?? Like “Rent, check. Car payment, check. Utilities, check. Gum from Costco, budget officially busted”. This guy is also very uppity about their gum and will judge the crap out of you if you didn’t know that 5 came out with a new flavor of gum recently. It’s like “I’m sorry that weird company comes out with even weirder gum more often the lil wayne releases a song, but yes I will still take a piece from you every day.”
The Really Unique Person
These aren’t people that are genuinely unique. These are completely ordinary, average at best people that intentionally spend what I can only assume is hours a day trying to think of the most unique things to do so as to judge you. The guy that couldn’t be caught dead at a chain restaurant and knows every hole in the wall place to eat in the world, and couldn’t be higher on his high horse about it but in every other respect is an overgrown frat boy. The girl that is “so different and it’s cool” because she drives a pick-up truck and has a pink John Deere sticker on her windshield but is from Alpharetta and hasn’t ever actually shot a gun. The people that, again as I mentioned in a previous post, prefer lemon flavored jolly ranchers, skittles, starbursts or sweet tarts. Other favorites are people that have on facebook that their favorite book is “The Bible” and that’s it. As if they are trying to convince me that they’ve read that book cover to cover. I flipped through War and Peace one time but I’m not claiming it’s my fave. Also, I highly doubt that the WHOLE BIBLE is your favorite. Have you cracked into Leviticus? I wasn’t on the edge of my seat with that one.
The Debbie Downer of your Hi-Larious Joke
This person is always there to derail a perfectly innocent, hysterical comment that you’ve made by getting serious. For example, someone says something rude to me and I respond with “Oh really? Well I hope your kids get diabetes, so there”. Which is abruptly responded to by someone that, to be honest, no one even knows who invited her to the event, saying “Can I just have two minutes of your time to talk to you about what you just said? Diabetes is not a joke. My grandfather had it and he lost his big toe.” And you’re forced into a 30 minute conversation about chronic illnesses. Not to mention now every time she invites you to her weekly charity fund raiser to raise money for prosthetic toes for the diabetic elderly you’re forced to attend. This person is everywhere, I get busted at least once a week for this infraction. To the point where I’m positive someone will be emailing me after this post saying “I’ve actually read the Bible cover to cover and it is my favorite. I am unique and I don’t appreciate your criticism about Leviticus either. That book is what made me become a believer.” I’ll more than likely be at church on Sunday with this person out of guilt, see ya there.
