There are some causes out there that directly affect people. They change lives and make the world a better place to live in. One such cause is the “don’t wear white after labor day” cause. Things like this are critical to distinguishing ourselves from absolute hooligans. But there are also causes out there that drive me crazy. Mainly for how unnecessarily passionate they are, but also for how much they blow up my facebook feed:
Waiting on Christmas
I’m sorry that I’m not sorry that Christmas is most definitely the most wonderful time of the year. Once Halloween hits, like clockwork, people start moaning and complaining that other people are celebrating Christmas too early. “Thanksgiving is next, people!!! Stop decorating for Christmas already!”. Oh, how silly of me! I should apparently dedicate the next 4 weeks to singing all the festive Thanksgiving songs and start decorating with turkey legs and gravy. Sick.
Thanksgiving isn’t a real holiday. If it’s a day that is solely celebrated by eating, it’s not a holiday for real. Also, I’m pretty sure this “shout out to Native Americans” every year by us eating to the point of needing a nap really soothes the sting of the trail of tears. Were all these haters traumatized beyond belief by premature carolers? Where is this passion for anti-Christmas coming from? It’s real band-wagoney is what it is. Stop trying to be sassy and hate Christmas for the next week or so. Also, don’t deny yourself the pleasure of listening to “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey. You’re only hurting yourself.
Kickball
Stop. It. How in the world did this sport take off?! Besides the fact that I’m playing pretty fast and loose with the term “sport”, this was the red-headed stepchild of activities in elementary school even. Now war ball… that brought the heat. I can’t believe that everyone is blithely allowing people to claim that they are in kickball leagues without simply calling them out for what they are actually doing. Trying to find a spouse. I’m sorry, this whole concept is a hop skip and a jump away from Events and Adventures, “It’s Just Lunch” and Match.com. The teams are always co-ed and include at least 3 girls that will never EVER catch a pop fly ball. Ever.
Thus proving it’s not meant to be competitive. Everyone’s drinking when they play, proving it’s not athletic. It’s a meet and greet dream come true is what it is. And everyone that plays is in such raging denial of their intentions, it’s got a real Jonestown feel happening. The best part about this cult-like activity is when people meet their significant other on the kickball field they feel the need to be supportive of you, their single friend, by saying “The right person will come along for you when you least expect it. When you’re not even trying”. Right. Like what happened for you? Zip it.
Peanut Allergies
If I had a real allergy to peanuts, like carry an epi-pen around and maybe have to wear a bracelet I’d be ticked at the sudden take off of this allergy. I refuse to believe that so many people are all of the sudden allergic to a nut. If this is the case then our species is weeding itself out and we’ll become extinct eventually. To the point where we have nut free schools? Peanut allergies are the new ADHD. I hope the sunlight allergy is the next one to take off. It’s making the Seinfeld episode with bubble boy not so far fetched.
Twilight
I don’t even know where to start. First of all, if you’re going to acknowledge twilight for what it is, then by all means, yuck it up with vampires and werewolves. It’s a 7th grade reading level, double spaced series of books that people are capable of reading in 1 sitting and I have a feeling it took just about the same amount of time to write as it did to read. So if you’re going to be like “it’s a guilty pleasure of being silly and using imagination” then you do you. But do not, DO NOT say things like “Don’t knock the movies until you read the books! I thought it was going to be dumb but I read the books, and they are great”. Jane Austin rolls over in her grave every time you act like this is a literary work of art. And no, Kristin Stewart isn’t amazing. She’s a pinched faced broody teenager.
The hardest part of this series for me to wrap my brain around is how are 2 guys fighting over her? All they ever do is have to save her stupid ass at every moment of the day. Exactly what are they fighting for? Someone who wears flannel non-stop and never has a scrap of makeup on her face? It’s beyond comprehension. And worse its teaching our youth that you can completely give up on your looks and still have guys lined up for you. Good luck. You’re staring down the barrel of multiple kickball leagues in your future if this is your approach.
