There were 5 of us in Vegas this past weekend celebrating Banana's bachelorette party. Greatlyn planned the event, Magenta came along with Banana from their home town, Schlaura the groom's sister, and Painsley (me obviously, but I wanted a cool nick name as well) met up with the crew Wednesday night. I would like to go on the record that 4 nights inVegas is 1 too many. The first night, when we arrived, we thought we'd take it easy. We went to bed at 4am.
Day 1:
I would like to tell this portion of the story from memory. However, the drinks at the pool went down in price as they got bigger. So with a regular sized drink costing $18, I chose the biggest size for a nickel. This came in a wheelbarrow. This was going to be a lot of calories, so it made total sense to me to skip lunch to accommodate. The rest of this story is based on what my friends said happened.
My inner monologue becomes outer monologue on this trip. so as we walk inside to get lunch I see a rent a cop and decide we need to chat. The conversation went like this:
Painsley: "Hi! Are you a cop?"
Benjamin: "No, I'm an EMT"
Painsley: "Why does your star-badge have seven points?"
Benjamin: "no clue"
Painsley: "you should know that. It's probably a secret. Where's your gun?"
Benjamin: "I'm an EMT, we don't shoot people"
Painsley: "how can you be a cop with no gun? Where's your handcuffs?"
Benjamin: "I'm an EMT..."
Painsley: "where's your taser"
Benjamin:"......."
Magenta: "where's your billy stick?!"
You can always trust Magenta to have your back. Even the next day when we were informed that Ben was an EMT, I exclaimed that he should have made that clear and Magenta reasoned that maybe he was a medical cop.
Night 2:
We find out that a group of girls in Vegas can get into the clubs for free, get a VIP table, for free, and get all of our drinks provided by the club, for free. The beauty of a VIP table is you get a couch to sit on and a velvet rope to keep the riffraff out. When we learned this we all collectively decided that we had won the lottery. We also decided that we should take a good group picture before we head in. This is what we managed to produce.
Not every group of girls gets this treatment, but there's a reason. This girl was so flabbergasted she also didn't have a table. I told her its because she decided to dress like Evander Holyfield and it wasn't a Halloween themed bar.
There are no windows in the entire city of Las Vegas. And no one in the group was the "Big Ben". Most groups have at least 1 person that can't stop being a human coo-coo clock, informing you of what time it is as if you'd asked them. I call those people Big Ben. We did not have one. This translated into getting 4 hours of sleep that night.
Day 2:
We were all on a serious power trip after realizing what our group could get us for free. It was approximately 10 minutes at the pool before we were let into the private club at the pool to lounge on a cushioned bed for free. The issue with this was there was 5 of us on 1 queen sized bed. Our natural tendency was to lay like the grandpas and grandmas laid in Willy Wonka so we could all fit. This translated into a lots of toes going into peoples eyes. Also the towels were made of burlap.
Before being allowed to enter the pool club they had to do an 112 point inspection of all of our purses, looking for roofies that we were apparently going to slip ourselves since we were the only girls there. How they managed to check between the credit cards in my wallet and missed Banana's full medicine bottle of antibiotics was beyond me. This turned out to be a topless pool (our tops stayed on) and we all came up with our favorite new names for pepperoni nipples. I preferred pizza bagel bite nipples.
Night 3 went exactly like night 2. Different location. And instead of an Evander Holyfield doppelgänger we saw a girl that made the grumpy cat face when she danced. My biggest regret of this trip is not getting a picture of that.
Day 3:
We all decide that we could have gone home today. But we're going to make the best of the fact that we've been her for 60 hours and gotten 10 total hours of sleep. We avoid the pool club and drain club sodas at the regular pool all day.
Forgetting to eat lunch again, we grabbed something at 4 pm. It's a good thing we did because Heather Dubrow from the real housewives of Orange County and her family walked into the restaurant. Of course I wasn't facing her and Magenta was, so I made her put her sunglasses on so I could stare at her in the reflection of her glasses. Magenta thought I was kidding at first.
That's her husband!
Greatlyn couldn't believe how stupid Magenta and I were being about a D list celebrity and meanwhile we forced everyone to stay on the patio so long to watch that one of Greatlyns ears got sunburned. Just 1. I blame myself.
Night 4 we all knew we couldn't do anything but no one wanted to admit it. So as we're slowly getting ready I proclaim that I have to fart so bad that I can't go to the club. I mean, I'm wearing white jeans, that's a recipe for disaster and everyone agreed. I popped 3 beano pills, called it a night, and we all finally got some sleep.
