The Speed Limit Sheriff
These people consider the speed limit THE LIMIT. As in NOT-TO-EXCEED. As in, there is zero reason why you should be expected to go that fast. And by "that fast" I mean 35 miles per hour. Not only are these people just not in a hurry to be anywhere, ever, but their stance on acceleration/deceleration is "If you can feel it, you're doing it too fast". I was behind one of these human-nightmares today on my way to work, and all I wanted to do was walk up to their car (since they were going slowly enough for me to catch up to them on foot) and ask them "Do you have cupcakes?". Because not spilling a dozen cupcakes is the only reason I can think of to drive like this.
The Normal Clothes Gym-goer
I could legitimately write an entire blog about the types of people at the gym. Talk about people watching. Especially at the YMCA where I go because I like a bargain on my gym membership and I like getting the village people song stuck in my head 3-5 days a week. Inevitably, at any gym, there is someone in there who looks like the fact that they are even there snuck up on them. Full pair of jeans, polo shirt, tennis shoes purchased at Costco for $19. Just pumpin' away at the leg press - 7.5 pounds.
Did you know you were going to be coming here? Do you personally like sweating in jeans? These people are also the ones you will find on the stationary bike being almost completely stationary themselves. To the point where they can hold and read a hardback book without it moving. Way to leave it all out on the field you guys.
The People Who Turn Everything into a Guilt Trip
I personally am obsessed with the fact that people do this. But the obsession I'm talking about is more similar to the fascination we all had when we saw the show "Hoarders" for the first time. Just constant - How did you get there?! I'm talking about when an internet sensation like a momma cat snuggling her baby cat or a blue and black dress that is clearly blue and black and not gold and white sweeps the nation, someone will inevitably make a social media post that shames everyone for talking about such a trivial topic when "people are getting beheaded by ISIS" or "Ebola killed a dog". How. How did you take it there?! This is the 2nd iteration of "Eat your peas, there are kids starving in Africa". Is me eating the peas making the starving people feel better? Or should I be sending the peas over? I simply love the logic here and I LOVE how many people are like "OH AGREED!!" when someone does it.
I am not ashamed that I definitely looked at that blue and black dress. The only thing to be ashamed about is if you thought it was white and gold.
The People Who Use Ringtones as Chinese Water Torture
This. Is pure murder. There is a certain someone that I work with who is SUPER pumped about his/her ring tone. They have had the same one for 4 years. They see no need to have it set to anything but ear-bleedingly loud. It's really kitchy. It goes off dozens of times a day. It is maddening.
When I emailed said person asking them to consider, I don't know, vibrate when at the office, the list of reasons I got as to why that's absurd was incredible:
1. I'm really important and need to be reached at all times
2. It needs to be loud in case I'm in a loud environment and I otherwise couldn't hear it - the decibel level of a jumbo jet engine should suffice
3. This is how my family reaches me, what if they have an emergency and can't get in touch with me because I didn't hear my phone.
4. Why do you want my child to be dead in a ditch and can't call me to say goodbye?!?
The best way to combat this person? Download their ringtone. Set it for your text messages, emails, calendar notifications... everything. Set it to loud. Stand as closely to them as possible at all times. They will in no way notice what you're doing but operating at this level of passive aggressive is purely entertaining.
