There are so many things in life that simply fly below the radar, and like a ninja, manages to never draw attention to itself with respect to the concept “what in the world are they doing with this?!”.

Jeopardy

First things first. In what way does the definition of jeopardy fit into this show’s concept? How are you putting yourself in danger at any point? The only danger you’re really running into in this game is the danger of looking like an idiot because you didn’t use proper grammar to answer in the form of a question. And let’s address that point as well. Really Jeopardy? You’re going to make me race to answer a beyond difficult question, against other players and the clock, and then when I finally get the answer, I have to take a trip back to 2^nd grade and make sure I get the question phrased correctly? “What is Brad Pitt… ohhh crap… Who is Brad Pitt” to be followed by a condescending judge face by Alex. Oh I’m sorry, Alex. I forgot you know everything because you’ve been hosting this game for as long as questions have existed. And let’s face it, the answer is never “Brad Pitt”. It’s always “Omar Kassir Hazzam” or some other mouthful of a name that to be fair only my mom knows because she memorizes the drudge report everyday. The only time this show doesn’t make me feel like my college degree shouldn’t be lit on fire is the college week itself. I pride myself on watching this show with my mom and beating her to the punch by answering the question as quickly as possible, making sure that whatever answer I throw out there couldn’t POSSIBLY be right. It absolutely kills her every time.

Wheel Of Fortune

There’s not a program on the planet that highlights my inability to spell like this show. I refuse to ever audition for a game show because I know they’ll default me to this show and I’ll send blonde’s reputations back centuries. I have to actually ask people how to spell “during”. Even then, as I was typing it, I used 2 “r”s. Tricky. But aside from a grown up spelling bee nightmare, exactly who does Vanna think she is? Is she really going to wear an evening gown every single night? How do they justify that? I’ll tell you how, because without her touching the TV screens and gliding across the floor, it’s again just a spelling bee designed to embarrass adults. Also, is she technically getting younger? How is no one acknowledging that she is our modern day Dorian Gray? (If you don’t know who that is, google it. Chances are, I misspelled his name).

Deal or No Deal

This show makes me actually cuss like a sailor. I’ve never hated perfect strangers more in my life then when those miserable “c-word” “b-words” on the show have 3 cases left, the banker offers them $717,000 and they throw down a no deal. Really, you selfish piece of “s-word”? And their husbands are off to the side being like “we only made $24,000 last year. Our child needs a surgery to stay alive and the bank is a day away from repossessing our home” and she’s like “I know I have a million dollars!!!”. I know I hate you, and you apparently hate statistics. And I know your child doesn’t need the surgery because he just died of embarrassment. Yes, I am concerned with how much I can apparently hate someone this stupid. I’m working on it. And in the meantime I'm glad you got a cent. I hope you don't forget to pay taxes on that.

Guts

I had to do it. I had to do a throw back to the 90s at some point. This show was absolutely incredible. Aside from the fact that they apparently traveled the globe to identify the best athletes on the planet under the age of 13, the managed to create a trophy so magnificent, so indescribable, that even to this day, there’s not a person in their 20s that wouldn’t do unspeakable things to get a “piece of the crag”. I tell you, that show must have gotten a bulk discount on bungee cord and knee pads. My favorite race on there was when they’d incorporate them having to swim at some point. Fully clothed. With their helmets still on. At that point they were more fighting for their lives to keep from drowning then a piece of that magnificent astrocrag. I’d also like to point out to guys right now that if you want a bad ass pick up line, tell chicks you won an episode of Guts. I promise you’ll get results. Not to mention Mark and Moe was one of the greatest and underestimated love stories of all time.

There were quite a few things growing up that actually scared the crap out of me, to the point where even to this day I will see something seemingly innocent and get a shiver. Allow me to elaborate.

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

The answer to that question is “I sure as heck am now that you just showed me this horror show in the middle of the day”. Every time they poured that bucket of water onto that fire at the end of the episodes, it was like they were extinguishing any chance of me being normal ever again. Exhibit A: Remember the episode where they played that arcade game in the mall, but then the game sucked them in, and they had to win to save their lives? And then at the end, when they won, the game just started over and they lived in the game forever? WHAT WAS THAT?! Or how about the episode when the lizard bit the kid and they swapped places, and they kept biting each other and swapping back and forth and at the end of the show the lizard won and stayed human and the boy was left a lizard? It’s like the writers of this show were convinced that happy endings were overrated and they’d rather scar us for life. And somehow, to drive the damage home, they incorporated a clown in just about every episode. As if the movie “It” didn’t freak us out enough about clowns. To this day, it’s cute if you think I’m going to touch a lizard. Or play a mall arcade game.

Goosebumps Books

These books brought the fury. My mom, hot off the heels of my night terrors from Are You Afraid Of The Dark, was not going to let me get any of these books at the Scholastic Book Fair. But me being the glutton for punishment that I was, would borrow the books from friends or magically snag the one copy from the school library, if it was ever checked back in. My favorite was the deluxe edition that screamed every time you opened the cover. They had the BEST titles too, like “Say Cheese and Die” about a camera that took your picture and then you died. The 15 Final Destination movies that they’ve made to date were simply ripped off from this specific Goosebumps book. Also, I’d like to point out, again with the clowns all over the place. These books we’re in cahoots with Nickelodeon to permanently eradicate clowns by terrifying our generation one by one. You win, you anti-clown club. I’m now a lifetime member. Also, I’d like to point out that R. L. Stine churned out a one of these bad boys as often as Lil Wayne busts out a crappy new music hit. There’s like a million of these books.

Fortunately, Life is an ebb and flow. A Ying and Yang. So for every scary feature of my childhood, there was an equally extreme, yet uplifting and happy feature. Here are 2 examples:

Tail Spin

I’m sorry, did you just rip off the cast of Jungle Book and make the animals pilots in the 1930’s era of flight? Of course you did. King Louie? Check. Baloo? Check. Shere Khan? Double Check. Not to mention, the little kid bear that would flip out what I can only assume was an Oriental Giesha fan and “wake board” behind the plane. How was he doing that?! I didn’t contemplate the logistics. I didn’t question the fact that they threw the law of gravity to the wind. I thought it was awesome. Not to mention that bear-child’s name was Kit Cloudkicker. Of course it was. Also, what was their job? I mean, I know that they flew, and I remember a cargo at some point, but I feel like 100% of the time they were flying to get away from Shere Khan. They weren’t actually flying for revenue. Also, what crawled up Shere Khan’s butt that he wouldn’t leave them alone? Episode after episode, with the same commitment that the coyote had in catching the road runner, that crazy lion was determined to get Baloo. Maybe take a day off, guy. Maybe get a job.

Darkwing Duck

I feel like whenever someone talks about super heros they mention the classics like Superman, Batman, now the Green Hornet. Everyone disregards the most interesting one. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall when the writers of this show came up with the costume. Let’s make a super hero TV show, where the superhero is a duck, naturally. One of the most courageous and terrifying creatures in the animal kingdom. A duck. And let’s make him exactly as awkward as his real life counterpart. Also, as often as possible, let’s incorporate the word “quack” into every aspect. Hence the birth of the phrase “That’s Quacktastic”. Or his sidekick, Launchpad McQuack, who I’m assuming is a duck of Irish decent. And the villain, Negaduck. Regardless of how absurd this premise, is, I loved this show. And you want to know why? Because the them song is still to this day stuck in my head. “When there’s trouble you call DW”. Anthem for my life.

There have been several things in my life that made a life-long impact. My 2^nd grade teacher, for example, was completely in agreement with me that I was, in fact, probably the most astonishing person to ever darken the door of Addison Elementary School (I love you Mrs. Mize). Also, I’m not going to slight Mrs. Richter, who blew my mind when she taught me how to play “Mary Had a Little Lamb” on the recorder. OK, that one was made up, everyone who watched “Full House” and saw Stephanie Tanner get her gum stuck in her recorder knows how to play that jam. But aside from influential faculty from my childhood, there have been many indirect influences in my life that I’d like to mention, and subsequently point out “Where in the WORLD did THAT go?!”.

Mad About You

Thank you Helen Hunt and Paul Reiser, for taking an accurate snap shot of not only what marriage is actually like, but also what living conditions in Manhattan are like. Even their sparse apartment was a little overboard, but it beat the heck out of the GIGANTIC apartment Monica, a chef, and Rachel, a coffee shop waitress, were pawning off as realistic living quarters on Friends. I’d venture to guess I saw just about every episode of this sarcastic, odd couple’s life in the big city. It was this show that kept me from SPRINTING to NYC after a marathon of Sex And the City in the Phi Mu house one night during finals week in college. This TV show taught me balance. Taught me how to set realistic goals. Taught me that when someone names their boarder collie “Murray” and they aren’t really sure why, that they are suppressing the fact that they too have been changed by this incredible sitcom. Bring it back NBC. And while you’re at it, bringing phenomenal shows back that you haven’t yet been able to top, why don’t you go ahead and bring “Wings” back too. I’ve really had it up to here with “Cheers” getting all the accolades.

Christy Carlson-Romano

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Wasn’t the girl that played the overbearing, older sister on “Even Stevens” Anne Hathaway? Well I’m here to tell you that it WASN’T! Disney Channel has done it again, brainwashing us with a dead ringer look-alike, making us forget our tried-and-true favorites from yesteryear. I don’t know if it was “Cadet Kelly” the DCOM movie that did this poor chick in, or the fact that her name was borderline the length of the entire dictionary, or the fact that I swear she had braces for a good 4 years that was the nail in the Disney career coffin. I blame her bra-burning, feminist mother who apparently INSISTED on her using her FULL name at all times as to the culprit for tanking her career. Why else would a clown like Shia LaBeouf make it big and get to make out with Megan Fox in all 47 Transformers movies, and CCR (I’ll get carpal tunnel if I type her name too much) was replaced by a less lanky, less gapped toothed Anne Hathaway for Disney’s “it” girl. You know what this taught me? That I’m PUSHIN’ my luck with “Ainsley Cartwright”, and any name change will have to be at minimum a reduction in letters. Or just like good ole CCR, I’ll be toast.

Pop Up Video

Remember when VH1 used to bring the FURY when it came to music television? Pop Up Video took the cake as far as music programming goes. Sure, every video they showed was at least 4-10 years old, and the facts were always the same for every video, but how else am I supposed to sit through an entire music video of “Walkin’ on Broken Glass”. I’ll tell you how, with pop-up factoids to interest my little nerd brain, that’s how. This TV show skyrocketed my "trivia team member” status. Sure, I’m always good for the science and math questions. Great. Dime a dozen in the Georgia Tech crowd. But this little gem of a show made me the wild card music trivia team member. If you don’t think I know every obscure fact there is to know about Spin Doctors “Two Princes” music video due entirely to this program, you’ve got another think coming. Please bring this back, VH1. And also, if y’all put another dating show on air that features a washed up musician who thinks it’s COMPLETELY appropriate to change people’s names to “New York” and “Dayum Gurrrrllll”, I will hunt you down, and I will kill you. I will kill you with an over exposure to 1980’s music trivia.

Penguin Movies

Alright. I’ll admit, there was a time, maybe it was 3 years ago or so, where the entire entertainment industry was huffing the “penguins are where the money’s at” glue. We had “Happy Feet” and “Surf’s Up” and “The Pebble and the Penguin” to just name a few. But if you are going to sit there and lie to me and tell me that you didn’t go through an actual rainbow of emotions during the movie “March of the Penguins”, then I will tell you sir that you are dead inside. I say sir, because there’s not a woman on this planet with Estrogen pumping through her veins that didn’t leap out of her chair with joy when the momma penguin successfully passed off the egg to her husband. That didn’t say “typical” when the husband unsuccessfully received the egg and the baby froze to death. That didn’t cry hysterically when the momma penguin didn’t return from her feeding with food for the baby because some stupid sea lion ate her. That didn’t laugh and rewind it when the penguin slipped and fell and honked about it during the march. And didn’t get really somber and quite when that extra slow penguin lost the group, and it was “reading between the lines” to assume he died (and you secretly consoled yourself by saying “I bet he still made it!”). So yes, I understand the break in the penguin themed shows, for more robust features like the Oprah narrated “Life”. But I think we’re all ready for the walking birds to waddle back into our lives again. And also, I think we’re all ready to punch a baby sea lion in the face at the aquarium. A little taste of your own medicine, you horrid creature. Also, when is Morgan Freeman going to stop being in denial of the fact that all he should ever do for the rest of his life is narrate and play “God” in movies. It’s annoying to say the least that he thinks he brings more to the table.