Every Day Death Traps

The following items are so common place that we blithely go through life, ignoring the potential hazard that we face every day. I have a strong to very strong feeling that the number of fatalities directly associated with these items is significant, and I’m not going to be silent anymore.

Escalators

Is there any vertical ascension apparatus that poses more of a threat than an escalator? First things first, everybody knows what happens if you allow your hand to rest on the hand rest past the curve at the end. Ta-ta fingers. Not to mention, enjoy that insta-staph infection you just got from simply touching the hand rails. Exactly how often do you think they clean those bad boys? But aside from the high potential for loss of fingers, you run the risk of a shoelace getting caught in the grates and, again, losing an appendage. So my question is this: Why? Why do they make the flooring of an escalator out of what I can only assume is butter knives. No, the edges aren’t sharp like real knives, but you get to tight rope walk your way around the uneven grooves and should you make the horrible mistake of falling, your instantly dead from hitting your head on the stainless steel butter knife edge. And, should you have chosen to fall down the up escalator, enjoy falling down that escalator for the rest of your life, never hitting the bottom. We should have to sign waivers to get on these contraptions. I’d rather take jet packs to get up levels in a building, and yes, I saw the movie Rocketeer, I realize how risky that would be.

Both-Way Turning lanes

You know what I’m talking about. You’ve got a 4 lane road, two lanes going each way, and a middle 5^th lane that works overtime as a turning lane for both directions. I’m sorry, exactly why are we having to play the game chicken to turn into a PetSmart. You’re instantly a required to assess the situation like a psychic, should you see someone coming from the opposite direction trying to turn. In a moment you’re to decide “What kind of person am I facing here? Are they the kind of person who’s trying to turn into Wendy’s and get a Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty, which would require the to turn before me? Or are they the kind of person who’s headed to the local strip club for the Sunday Brunch themed “Bacon, Eggs, and Boobies” and would require them to plow right through me?” You have to decide THAT fast if they’d eat at a strip club on a Sunday. It takes a keen sense of self to evaluate someone to the core like this multi-turn lane requires. Even this diagram is blowing my mind. We’re not drivers in an Audi commercial. This is not “Fast and Furious: Everyday” the sequel.

Trampolines

The obvious dangers spring to mind when you think of a trampoline: Jumping too high and flying off only to find yourself in a 20 foot free fall to land on the pile of leaves that your dad put there just for that purpose but that only results in you breaking your leg and simultaneously getting bitten by a spider, to name a popular one. But we’re neglecting the danger of the actual apparatus itself. Maybe my impressions of trampolines are skewed because the only one I had as a child was at my grandparents, and my grandpa, upon learning of what a trampoline was, didn’t skip a beat in building one from scratch. They actually patterned MacGyver after him later on. Fact. The issue is that this miracle of engineering turned into what I can only describe as a rust fest after a few years. So those springs that provided all that bounce simply put my tetanus shot to the ultimate test every time I even THOUGHT about bouncing near them. It’s like they’d physically jump out and pinch the absolute crap out of you. They’d rust pinch you. And then, should you somehow avoid that booby trap, the fabric was simply created to give you the worst rug burn you’ve ever had. People didn’t stop jumping on the trampoline til someone got hurt. That’s how you knew play time was over.

Slip and Slide – Hill Edition

The slip and slides that we’d have as children were pretty harmless should your dad be a good dad and remove the pinecones, gumballs and rocks from the yard before hand. I had that dad, so it wasn’t until organized events at church, school, summer camp, etc in middle and high school that I realized the true danger of this death trap. These jumbo editions were gigantic pieces of tarp laid down the side of a 45 degree hill. Check for rocks, logs, small pets, or knives before hand? No way. Also, lets use extremely large rocks at the bottom and on the edges to hold this tarp down. There’s zero chance anyone will run into those. Also, let’s use baby oil to make people go down faster. This game didn’t end when someone got hurt, this game ended when everyone got hurt. I literally remember kids at camp going down this one time, breaking an arm, and being carried off followed by a counselor asking who was next, without skipping a beat. Who’s next? As in who wants to be covered in baby oil, grass and blood in the next 20 seconds? Is this the tactic they used in Jonestown with the Kool-Ade? Not to mention, enjoy that body acne that just sprung up all over you due to the fact that you were drenched in baby oil for 3 hours. This game was literally how we could weed out the people we knew were going to work for us one day.