Why I’m Convinced I’m Charlie Bucket from Willy Wonka

I am convinced that just about everyone I know can have their life summed up by a children’s movie. For example, I’m convinced that my friend Erin’s life is defined by the movie “Labyrinth”.  I can’t get into details, but let’s just say if I barged into her apartment and saw her talking to puppets and singing songs with David Bowie, I wouldn’t be surprised.

Or my friend Allison can’t escape the movie “Beetlejuice”, and is consistently stalked by garments that are black and white stripped with purple accents. That being said, I’ve determined that my life is summed up by the movie “Willy Wonka”. No, not that creepy new one with Johnny Depp, but the trippy 1970’s version that we’ve all seen like a bajillion times. And to be more specific, I’m without a doubt the blonde kid, Charlie Bucket.

Reason #1: Gas Stations are the Chocolate Factory

You don’t need a golden ticket anymore to go to the Chocolate Factory. No one needs to scarf down a Scrumdiddlyumptious bar and get sick, or fish candy out of a rain gutter to win the trip of a lifetime to a wonderworld of candy.

Not today people. Now all you have to do is go to a gas station. To the point where I’m convinced that gas prices are not longer affected by the fed, inflation or the Middle East. Gas prices are sky high to compensate for the cash flow required to maintain the candy stock currently rolled out at every Kangaroo and rinky dink Seven Eleven in town.

FaveREDS. That’s right. Starburst got the memo that their Pine-Sol flavored “lemon” candies aren’t doing it for anybody. And don’t be that person that’s like “I love the lemon ones”. We’re all really impressed with how unique you are. For the rest of normal society, Startburst rolled out this magic stick of flavor. Every favorite Starbust you’ve ever had. You no longer have to look at what flavor you just grabbed in a dark movie theater. I got these this weekend and I honestly didn’t breathe until I was surrounded by red wrappers and had 2 cheekfulls of Red 40 food dye in my mouth.

Reese’s Mini’s with no Wrappers. I’d contest that this is the closest thing to the chocolate river in the movie that I’ve ever seen. In case you haven’t seen this yet, they’ve actually come out with an ENTIRE BAG of reese’s mini’s (which is the best chocolate-to-peanut butter ratio out there) and there’s not a wrapper in sight. Not the annoying gold one that you have to peel off in pieces. Not the black one underneath that just takes off the chocolate from the bottom of the cup and reduces you to licking paper as an adult. Not to mention and the end of the aftermath, you don’t have 67 wrappers lying around you as evidence you have to destroy so as to convince everyone that you’re “really trying at your diet this time”.  How long did it take this company to realize we don’t need doubly, individually wrapped candies? It probably took til Willy Wonka took over, that’s when.

This gum actually terrified me, and sealed the deal on my being convinced I’m Charlie Bucket. I almost feel I don’t need to point out how weird this is, but for those of you who aren’t seeing the obvious similarity… They’ve made dessert into gum! Do you think for one Rickity-Red-Hot second I’m chewing this? Do I look like I want to turn into a giant lime and get rolled away by a dozen Snookies to the juicing room? Limes don’t even roll straight, who knows where I’d turn up.

Reason #2: The stages of my life are like the rooms of the Chocolate Factory

I lived with JBush my senior year in college, at which time I got a demon cat I appropriately named Lucifer, and JBush got a Willy Wonka reincarnated cat. How appropriate. This picture is of her cat, and what I’d claim was her cat’s favorite past time. I’m not sure if the bananas taste like bananas here, or the apples taste like apples, but let’s get real. It’s more than likely that the schnozberries taste like schnozberries.

Reason #3: Wonka Themed contraptions in my everyday life

As I’ve mentioned before, I travel quite a bit. This requires me to utilize the conveyor belt at the airport security, which, as pointed out before, uses wonka techonology since the baggage goes in at a snails pace (and might I add sometimes reverses briefly) yet shoots out the other side like a rocket, forcing you to utilize the dexterity of your toes as additional hands to catch everything before the TSA people snag it and roll it down to the end. But the wonka technology doesn’t stop there. Do we remember the wonka-mobile? I can’t seem to forget it since Avis consistently rents me minivans for my road trips. (Actual picture of the car I got this week)

For those of us who haven’t given up, gotten the butchy mom hair cut and reduced ourselves to driving Astro vans, the minivan has actually turned into a space ship. There’s buttons that open every door automatically, buttons that alter the dimness of the interior lighting for day-to-night transitions, and buttons that blow foamy toothpaste all over the 7 people riding in your vehicle. No I haven’t found that button yet. But that’s because I’m Charlie, not Willy.

Reason #4: Simply Look at us

It’s like he could be my dad (unlike my actual dad who can tan by the light of the refrigerator bulb and had a head full of jet black hair til he turned into the silver fox that he is now). No, my mom doesn’t use a larger than life spoon to stir people’s laundry, and my 4 grandparents don’t all lie head to toe in a queen sized bed. 

But like Charlie, I’ve been savvy like a fox all these years. I’ve avoided the pitfalls of the chocolate factory that is my life.  And I’m sure, at the end of the day, my life will result in me one day running the chocolate factory. Which translates to me being the manager of a Conoco. Bring it.