Generally my posts have had a theme. Sometime the theme is a little of a stretch, but there’s a common thread that runs through each one. These topics I have here are the bastard children of the thoughts I’ve had that just couldn’t hack a 5 paragraph summary, but are equally important and needed to be shared.
Child Locks
There’s nothing in this world that can catapult an adult back to the crappy parts of childhood like sitting in the back seat of a friend’s car that has child locks enabled. We all want to go back to the days of yesteryear when we were being punished in class by sitting “boy girl boy girl” or we were more than fine to pour chocolate milk over Count Chocula and call it a breakfast at grandma’s house. I’m talking the days of wearing a leash and being sent to bed without supper. There’s very little that still remains from that time, minus the childlock. Inevitably the person who has the button next to them to deactivate the childlock gets a temporary wave of power, and like a bus driver wielding their power unmercifully, they will keep you locked in to torture you with 2-3 badly delivered jokes about the situation. FYI my quintessential example of a power monger is a bus driver. They couldn’t be higher on their high horse about standing behind the white line and it’s like “I’m standing anyways. You wreck this bus that little white line isn’t going to stop me from flying through that winshhield, friend”.
But I digress. The childlocks have gotten smarter too, and you can’t outsmart them by just using the opposable thumbs God gave you and pulling up on the lock to assert your adult power and get free. No no no, that’s locked in tight. Access to the outside world is dependent on the car’s electrical system and the maturity of the driver. Which forces me to exclaim that it’s a fire hazard and I can only hope we don’t go careening down a cliff in Atlanta in a fiery ball of glory because if we do, I’m toast.
Alliterations and Rhyming
What is it about baby showers and weddings that forces even halfway intelligent women to become a modern time Dr. Seuss? You probably don’t know this, but there’s a sales person out there that doesn’t sell specific products, but he’s more like an assassin for hire. He’s practically a billionaire at this point, but he keeps working. He’s the reason that about 7 years ago the cranberry was popping up in every food imaginable. He was selling cranberries at the time. Then he moved on to pomegranates, and has now landed on alliterations. No I do not want to join you for “Fun and Frivolity in the sun” for your bachelorette party. I hate that you think you should append to the already established definition of fun by adding frivolity. I hate that thesauruses are apparently being sold at Bed Bath and Beyond and you get one free when you register. I hate that this wedding invite already tells me that you’re going to start all of your kid’s names with the same letter on purpose, and you’ll throw your dog in there too for good measure and claim it’s a family tradition.
Also, enough with the pomegranates, no they are not the elixir of the gods, they are impossible to eat is what they are. Also, they are full of sugar so enjoy that calorie packed snack.
Food You Have to Work For
Call me crazy, but I’m not really interested in breaking a sweat and popping my jacket off to eat a meal. The trend of eating food that requires WAY more work than it’s worth is baffling to me. For example, the restaurant Melting Pot. So you hand me raw meat and veggies, and I have to wait 3-4 minutes per bite to enjoy this delightful meal I’m making all on my own. Just to leave having spent $40 per person and smelling like an IHOP because you had boiling grease at your table. You know what I call that? Instant salmonella because I’m not going to wait for the chicken to thoroughly cook, I’m starving. Also, please don’t tell me that boiling a brick of Velveeta counts as something to dip your food into. Disgusting.
It’s not just fondue places, it’s also seafood. People from Maryland all the way up the Eastern Coast to Maine have an unhealthy level of pride in eating crustaceans. They’ll have crab bakes and lobster parties. I’ve named them lobster parties because I’ve never been invited to one so I don’t know what they are called. I’m sure if I were invited, it would be for a “Magnificent Maine Morning of Munchies and Music”. Facts about food: I don’t like getting stabbed by any part of my food. I don’t like having to spit out shell. I don’t like that crabs have yellow “mustard” in them which is supposed to be the best part and I’m convinced is 100% feces. I don’t like dripping from my elbows with the “juices” of said food and smelling like the Gorton’s fisherman after I eat. Call me crazy.
Home Remedies
It doesn’t matter how much time I’ve spent in higher learning institutions. How many friends I have in the medical field or even my level of logic that I use daily, when tragedy strikes I’m hurled back into home remedies as my first go to. I was thinking this the other day: What if I knocked a tooth out of my head not during normal dentist hours? Obviously the only think you can do is put it in milk, like my mother told me. I never have milk, could I put it in expired milk?? What about ice cream? What about sorbet? I have that.
I refuse to believe that milk is the answer to this. But I guarantee you the second I lose a tooth in a pick up game of soccer, I’m headed to the gas station for some Mayfield. I think you only have 45 minutes before the root dries up and dies. What!?!? Why am I a brainwashed robot. Also, don’t even get me started on a myriad of ailments that can all be addressed and cured by merely “letting it air out”. And by some witchcraft magic just because our moms say this it turns out to work. I’ve contacted the Susan G Komen association to let them know about the magical powers of air. They told me they knew, but didn’t want to let the cat out of the bag because they really love the races and the ribbons and all the pink. Fact.
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