Kids in School

It doesn’t matter what elementary school you went to. As long as you weren’t homeschooled, you most definitely had at least one of each of the kids I’m about to mention in your class. And if you’re reading one of these descriptions and thinking “I don’t know anyone that was like that in elementary school” then guess what… it was probably you and you are in denial. Note: the names I’m about to use have not been changed.

The Kid that Peed Her Pants

I’m not talking about in preschool. I’m talking about an 8 year old just letting it go on the carpet. It was a rarer than rare occasion to get to be in this kid’s class. And it wasn’t like he/she did it all the time. Kind of like an eclipse. But when it did happen… no one ever knew what to do. One kid heads to the closet to get the barf sand, because what do you put on pee stains!? I usually sat there utterly baffled as to how that could sneak up on the person with no warning. How did they not just run to the bathroom? And then they were on water fountain restriction for like a month like dehydration is the solution to lack of bladder control. This person in my class was named Mary, or “pee pants”. I ended up going to college with pee pants and when I saw her on campus my freshman year all I wanted to do was be like “I hope you’ve gotten your bladder under control”.

The Mustard Face

Billy was the child that always, ALWAYS, had crusted mustard on his face. And no, not after hot dog lunch day. I’m taking about in the morning, and on days where it was pizza for lunch. And you just kept thinking “what were you eating with mustard on it for breakfast?” and “how do you not feel that on your face?!” I suspect child abuse, because feeding mustard everyday to a 3^rd grader is borderline torture.

The Kid that Could Actually Pull off Nap Time

Let’s face it. We took nap time for granted in kindergarten. Besides the fact that we were expected to sleep on vinyl, quarter-inch thick mats on the floor in the middle of the day, we were only given like 20 minutes to fall asleep. Because most 5 year olds can pull that off. Except there was always one kid that was out like a light every time. His name was JP. And when the lights would come back on there would always be two constants in our classroom. 1: My name would be on the board for talking during nap time and I’d have to be in time out for 5 minutes and 2: JP was in a deep REM hibernation-style slumber. The teacher would always “let him rest” like he’s had a harder day than the rest of us with finger painting and macaroni art, and this basically was her way of creating 26 5-year old watch dogs. If JP even THOUGHT about opening an eye we’d yell “faker” and he was out of there. Get up and learn the alphabet JP. Just because your name isn’t actually a word doesn’t mean you don’t have to learn to read.

 

The Kid With the Awful Snacks

This kid’s name was Ainsley. And no, there was never another person in my school named Ainsley. I always had the DUMBEST snacks on the planet. Not because my mom hated me. But because we shopped at a farmers market and she didn’t want me eating processed foods. So while everyone else got  gushers, goldfish or those chocolate chewy bars, you wanna know what I got? Fruit leather. It’s literally a leather-like form of fruit compost that took so long to chew that I was starting to show signs of early onset TMJ.

I remember Mandy had the BEST snacks ever. And her cubby was right below mine, so every time I’d go to get something out of mine I’d see her awesome cookies or sugar-packed treat. One time I just couldn’t take it anymore, and I swapped our snacks. So when snack time came, yes I ran to my cubby and slammed all 3 feet of fruit by the foot into my mouth, in a wad. And when she pulled out the baggy of trail mix (don’t act like it was the kind with M&Ms either), she somehow was on to me. I was so floored that they instantly knew it was me. Hindsight, do I feel badly about it? No. Lesson learned: don’t leave your stupid trail mix next time, like a calling card.