How I Know I Wouldn't Have Made it in High School Today

I seriously don't know how kids do it. Or for that matter, their parents. Kids, regardless of the generation, will always be complete and total idiots. I was no exception, but at least my parents had the luxury of keeping my stupidity off the internet so that it didn't come back 20 years later and ruin my chances of marrying a congressman. Luckily I was able to ruin those chance myself by making this blog as an adult anyways.

Reason 1: What was I doing with my hair

Everyone says this about their middle and high school days, and it's really annoying because it takes the real attention from those of us who seriously were deranged. Don't be like "oh my gosh in 1993 I crimped my hair". Really?? In 8th grade I used SIXTEEN shiny metal barrettes to pin back the 1/2 of my head of hair that had been dedicated to hiding my forehead (which from here on out will be referred to as my five-head).

I was the only kid in 8th grade who still had bangs, or who used this contraption to schlick them back.

I also was under the impression that you should use white lipstick from wet n wild as eye shadow, and that if you got a perm and you didn't like it just rip a curling iron through your hair and don't ever curl it up-boom, makeshift straightener.

This is me at the 8th grade dance. If you can believe it, I didn't have a date


Reason 2: Fashion Choices

Again, there are a lot of thunder-stealers out there like "Oh man, I was bad, I wore acid wash jeans". You're dumb, everyone did and quite frankly they are kind of making a comeback and I hope you make that mistake again. I was COMMITTED to long sleeve shirts and shorts. As if the top half of my body was in a total different climate than the lower half.

I, without a doubt, look like I completely stole my hair decision from Lady in the movie Lady and the Tramp. I also was regretting my long sleeve shirt in the middle of summer because I've got those sleeves hiked up to my arm pits. Maybe run inside and slap on a t-shirt Ainsley. And speaking of arm pits, you might want another layer of speed stick.

Reason 3: Everything I did I thought was brilliant

This is the epidemic with today's youth, and what will be their downfall. In 30 years the president of the United States will have to be someone who grew up poor and didn't have a smart phone. Which I'm on board with #LandOfOpportunity

This is me being EXTREMELY impressed with myself that I could "surf".

Granted this is not a picture of me surfing, but it's suggesting that I did. It didn't dawn on me that the fact that I was able to stand on a ironing board intended for the Hulk and ride a 6 inch wave for 4 seconds wasn't really something to capture on camera. But up until now this embarrassment has been in my private collection. If this were me today, it would have blown up instagram #surfing #beach #ilovetosurf #surfergurl #ripcurl #iloveflorida #hangten #charliesangels #surf


Lastly, I don't have a category for this picture because it honestly fits all of the above.

Horrible hair, check. Long sleeve t-shirt and shorts combo (Tommy Jeans for life!), check. Standing next to a flower bed in what appears to be a parking lot and thinking that was picture worthy, check. I'd also like to point out that there was absolutely no reason why we had to face the sun in the middle of the day. This is why I had to get botox starting at age 24. My five-head didn't stand a chance against all of those UV rays. Also, my mom looks like she's seriously holding me hostage. Maybe my dad was like "squint if you're a prisoner". #iloveyoumom