Men vs Women

It’s basically a widely known fact that there is a perpetual battle going on for which gender is more difficult to deal with. Well, I’m here to tell you that the battle is over. Men and Women are both the absolute worst.

Men Can’t Find Anything

You know that scene in Star Wars when Obi Wan uses his Jedi powers and says “These are not the droids you are looking for”? Turns out that whole scene was completely worthless because he was saying it to a group of men. There was already a zero percent chance they were going to find the droids either way, because men are legitimately incapable of locating anything. 

You might be like “Yea but the droids were, like, right in front of them”. That is inconsequential when it comes to a man locating an object. In fact, the more right-in-front-of-them an object is, the less likely they are to find it. Obi Wan’s move was about as Jedi as when I walk into Target and waive my hands in front of the automatic doors and pretend I did that with my mind.

Women Can’t Fill Anything

I know that I am not the only woman who can say that I will always be on the last drop of gasoline and the last percent of a cell phone battery. At all times. My gas light coming on in my car functions exclusively to tell me that I have 33 more miles that I can drive without thinking about gas. You know what I don’t have? 34 miles. You know how I know that? The hard way. Twice. 

Doesn’t stop me. This doesn’t happen to men. Men are like “I have a quarter tank, better fill up”. That concept is lost on me. Getting gas is such an absurd grind. I keep making my boyfriend switch cars with me for no reason every few days because I know he’ll have whatever car he’s driving filled up. Problem solved.

The level to which I’m interested in charging my phone is the exact amount it is charged: 2%. I am so sorry that I don’t want to be tethered to the wall like a leashed pit bull at a mobile home park, with a 2 foot radius that I can move about while my phone takes a decade to install the trillionth iphone update. The only outlet in our den is directly in front of the gate-to-hell heat vent. So I have to either sit over there next to the heat vent and actually smell my own skin burning, or I have to leave my phone there and go without it for 30 minutes like a Neanderthal. Both options suck. So my phone is never charged beyond 11%. Deal with it.

Men Don’t Get Anything and Women are Vaults

Unfortunately women have a higher mental complexity than a houseplant. A tick more multidimensional. This therefore exceeds the natural ability of a man to even slightly comprehend what is happening. Ever. I would argue that at minimum once a day a guy has absolutely no idea what is going on. As if 26 pages in a book about his life all got stuck together and when he turned the page he’s like “Wait a minute, we’re in Kansas now? Who is this character? It’s Christmas?!” Every. Day.

This pairs really well with the woman’s irrational need to be in a relationship with a mind reader. And everything to a woman can be blown to an infinite proportion at a whim. “Yellow flowers? You’re giving me yellow flowers? I thought I made myself clear that I feel personally victimized by yellow flowers when I told you ‘yellow flowers are tacky’ twelve years ago. It’s as if you’ve COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN that my boyfriend in 4^th grade gave Holly Finks a yellow flower on Valentine’s Day and I cried about it. Do you even know me?!?!” That basically is something I’ve said to the letter with the specifics change to protect the innocent.

How does this even work? I’ve had MULTIPLE conversations with my best friend Allison about how if I could just learn to like women my life would be so much easier. But would it? Because if I had to be in a relationship with someone like me we would both be showcased on an I.D. channel special about how two women simultaneously plotted each other’s death and would have flawlessly gotten away with it. And how about men. How do 2 men have a relationship without starving to death both trying to find the milk INSIDE THE FRIDGE WHERE THE MILK LITERALLY ALWAYS HAS BEEN. Every single match up iteration is a full blown catastrophe- but hey, we’re all in this together (High School Musical 10 year reunion BTW!!!!!!)