HGTV

HGTV Shows

For the past forever we have been without real actual rich people cable and have been using Sling which is slang for “I’ll take a random assortment of channels for $20/month”. One such channel is HGTV. I’m convinced that everyone watches this channel as much as we do. All the time. There are a total of 4 shows on this channel, all of which are equally as absurd and we cannot take our eyes off them.

Flip or Flop

You guys thought I was going to start with Fixer Upper, didn’t you. Well I’m not. I’m starting with Flip or Flop because it’s the most obnoxious and it’s on for the next 3 hours. It is about a couple named Tarek and Christina. 

Tarek, despite his name, is not a rich oil magnate from Yemen but is a lily white guy who is allergic to thinking about a home purchase for longer than 12 seconds. Christina is an attractive tall blonde woman who cannot keep her lisp at bay. She says more words containing the letter “S” than any other human, and every time it’s a drop in the 30 minute Chinese water torture bucket that is hearing her say “housth” and “sthunroom” and “sthtunning”.

This couple is the definition of “Every pot has a lid”. They are sthoul matesth. Things they have bonded over:

   1. Thinking massive cracks running throughout the foundation and flooring have nothing to do with a structural issue with the home.

2.  Assessing that a master bathroom gut and reno will cost $6,000.

3. Pumping $100k into a home, adding no square footage, and banking on a dollar for dollar pay back on said reno.

And last but not least, screaming “WHAT?!?!” in stereo every time one of the above 3 things translates into a problem.

I have watched them successfully sell 1 home, over the dozen episodes I’ve seen. That means that they currently own 11 flops. WHAT?!?!

Fixer Upper

OK duh I couldn’t wait to do this. Really annoyingly, Buzzfeed has beaten me to a review of this show, which makes me feel robbed. This show is #everythinggoals. Andy have watched them shabby chic and shiplap people’s faces off for so many hours that we have started to resent them and just make up flaws they have. We spent 12 minutes the other night rewinding the scene where Joanna does a cartwheel because Andy was convinced she either had a tramp stamp or lower back hair. She had neither. Because she’s flawless.

All I want is to be Joanna Gains. Her hair has an absurd amount of volume in it for being in a ponytail on demo day. She has had 4 photoshopped children and you still couldn’t pay me to be in a swimsuit next to her. She always knows when to wear her rainboots and it doesn’t even look like they make her the least bit sweaty like they do to me. She has access to a printer that can print 1:1 scale photos of homes on wheels. Bump Victoria’s Secret models, she’s the one setting impossible standards.

Just. Hair Volume for dayz.

House Hunters International

This show has absolutely zero consistency. One episode the realtor was actually an emu you guys. Every time they showed her face I almost screamed and kept saying “why are they using an emu to sell them a beach home?!?!”

 The couples on this show have no business living in the same home, and the tagline is always like “She wants a fixer upper detached home on the beach where they can do a full scale reno themselves. He wants a move-in ready condo nowhere near a beach and he doesn’t even own a hammer. Can this emu find something that will make them both happy for less than $12?” Hint: nope.

Property Brothers

My favorite part of watching this show is seeing how long I can go without making a joke about how the two brothers definitely make out. And if they would just admit it, can you imagine how much fun you could have with word play titles for this show? “Invest and Incest”. There, that took me like a second. But ok, “They are just brothers”.

These two also subscribe to the notion that you can put 6 figures of granite into a home and the renovation pays for itself. They also only renovate like 2 rooms. So the rest of the house is always still a complete and utter dump. But they pack a 1-2 punch on realtor/contractor and I legitimately never have any idea which one does witch. I’m convinced this is a fixer upper themed freaky Friday and there’s just 1 person to play both roles. The requirement to have your home done by them is know nothing about renovating a home, be the kind of person that requests 2 dishwashers 3 days before the reno is complete, and be totally fine with the brothers decorating choices involving white leather upholstery. Because duh.