As I was sitting on a plane waiting to take off, I was wondering what my next blog topic was going to be. And then, as if in a movie, I simply opened my eyes and saw a beacon shining back at me. I'm talking about Sky Mall magazine. Now, were I to delve into all the crazy stuff they've jam packed into this phenomenal catalogue I wouldn't be able to succesfully capture an accurate snapshot. So instead I'm going to highlight their marketing scheme by discussing the apparent target demographics they've been aiming at.

The Germaphobe

The first group of people they're hoping to gain revenue from are the people who more than likely cried for joy when they came out with portable hand sanitizers. I'm assuming that they also feel a huge sense of relief when they open this magazine and turn through page after page of travel toothbrush sanitizers, ultraviolet denture cleaners, and that wand you're supposed to wave over your bed to kill dust mites. Finally, a magazine that knows their pain! My favorite item that speaks to these people is the "keep your distance" bug vacuum. I'm sorry, exactly how much moth extermination are you doing that you need a vacuum to assist, yet you can't be risking contact with the bug, you need a good 2 feet of space. All for the rock bottom price of $60. Here's a thought, maybe shut the front door. Also, Sky Mall, you're really missing the boat on playing to the germaphobic community, because the last thing those people are going to do is flip though a public use magazine in an airplane. This periodical is practically a cesspool.

The Pet Psycho

We all love pets, but sky mall is directly speaking to the crazies. The ones that are convinced that their pets talk to them, and probably need every luxury that could be afforded to an animal. So in keeping with that mentality, this magazine has offered 13 bathroom options for your cat or dog. 13. A cat box hidden in the base of a very life like yet still fake potted plant, an AstroTurf pad to simulate grass for your indoor dog, a cat potty training system. The list goes on. And every picture has a pet who is getting ready to take advantage of this dreamscape bathroom situation. But this isn't even my favorite part of the animal section of sky mall. The best is the pet barrier section. I actually laughed out loud when I saw this picture.

That cat couldnt be closer to knocking that entire barrier over and sitting on the keyboard. My dream for this scenario is that the cat actually goes to the bathroom on the keyboard, as if to say to it's owner, "that's what you get for making me use a potted plant. Also I hate you."

People with orthopedic issues

These people have severe to extremely severe orthopedic challenges, and in the arthritis community instead of making a magazine that highlights items for relieving these pains, they just distribute sky mall. Also, apparently public humiliation is not a barrier for these customers. They need to get their backs in traction and they need to do it on a plane. My favorite item for these folks are the pillows that wouldn't do anything but actually give you scoliosis. Maybe your back hurts because you think it's appropriate to sleep on something like this.

Spies

The economy is tough and we've all taken a hit in some way. And those involved in international espionage are not immune either. So instead of getting the latest 007 gear from headquarters, they save money and go straight to sky mall. Here you can get a pen, snorkel mask, and sunglasses that will all video tape and record up to two hours of footage. These devices don't compare to the elusive nature of the "next best thing to being a fly on the wall". Their suggestion is that you give this pen holder slash digital clock slash calendar slash thermostat to a coworker as a gift. Then you can call the device and listen to whatever is happening in the vicinity. Really, office creeper? You're gonna pull a Watergate and Richard Nixon me like that? I'm pretty sure that's wire tapping. I'm pretty sure that's illegal, and I'm pretty sure your boss reads sky mall and knows exactly what this "gift" is and you're toasty pants.

People who couldn't have a more disgusting foot situation and are practically freezing to death but would like to drink their pains away have found a retail jackpot. Because with sky mall you can instantly fix that toe that in my opinion you're better off amputating.

You can also bundle up for the arctic temperatures you'd have to be facing to wear this and not sweat to death.

And you can show your artsy yet alcoholic side with these fine and stylish wine decanters. This one is called "bliss".

Last but not least, if you're under the impression that decorating with an Egyptian sarcophagus, big foot garden statue, or battle armor is appropriate, and you have no qualms with spending literally thousands of dollars on these historical treasure replicas, you've finally found a one-stop-shop. 

At the end of the day, the true gift that is Sky Mall magazine is that you don't have to make these life changing purchases during your flight. They even ask you on the cover to take the magazine with you, it's free. So think it over, if it's not immediately obvious that you need everything in the entire book. So to you I say, "Thank you sky mall. From all of us. Thank you."