Infomercial People

It's come to my attention that should any human ever actually emulate the people depicted in infomercials they should be deemed disabled and draw social security benefits.

The Flex-Able Hose

The main draw of this hose, as touted throughout the commercial, is that regular hoses are too heavy. I'm sorry... what? "Regular hoses can weigh up to 8 pounds". How terrifying. Regular hoses can weigh as much as a new born baby? To the point where the lady in the commercial struggles with her heavy hose and HITS HERSELF IN THE FACE WITH IT by accident.

Get yourself together. The next draw of this miracle tube is that a child can use it. Cut to a 4 year old traipsing beside a pool spraying the water everywhere. Couple questions here... Who raised this child? Not the mother who can't lift more than 8 pounds. Is she adopted? Where is this noodle-armed mother now? Where's the child safety fence? That toddler is spraying water all over the floor. She's 1 second away from slipping into that unguarded pool and you know who will NOT be rescuing her? Anyone who can't lift 8 pounds.

Pajama Jeans

Just give up. Stop it. When the sales pitch tagline on a pair of pants is a "mock fly" then maybe you just go up a size on your regular, grown up pants. Why is the fly giving you so much trouble that you're willing to wear illusion pants.

The best part about these pants is the models are all skinny, but their target is absurdly large need-a-walker-but-i-didn't-break-my-legs sized people. So the models are forced to show all the tub-benefits. Like love-handle room

And Thanksgiving belly room

I seriously considered buying a pair of these in college. Mainly to be ironic but also because that weird tunic dress/shirt/gown thing I kept wearing wasn't fooling anyone into thinking I was bathing during finals week. These suckers are TWEN-TY DOLL-HAIRS. Dignity is apparently more expensive the a pair of skinnies from Forever 21.

Comfort Wipe

I thought we had really gone down the rabbit hole when those airplane seatbelt extensions came out. This product is for people who are physically incapable of wiping themselves. It extends your reach an additional 18 inches. This is not exactly what Gogo Gadget had in mind. The best part about this commercial is their target isn't gigantic people, or people with T-Rex arms. It's people who are so "with it" they aren't willing to use a technology "from the 1880's".

Ok George Jetson, you're a real techno front runner. You've got yourself a poop stick that you now use. Are you taking this out and about with you? Do you have ones for your guests? Also have we confirmed that 1880s claim? I can't for the LIFE of me believe toilet paper wasn't invented before then. You're telling me we invented guns and cannons but drip dried. Gross.

Tiddy Bear

First of all, you don't get to replace a few letter "t"s with the letter "d" and think Americans can't crack that code. This is a boob bear. And the target audience is people who are made out of tissue paper. To the point where a fabric seat belt is going to send them into a tissy and the solution is a stuffed animal.

Miley Cyrus is the only adult I know of who's that interested in getting molested by a teddy bear. You'd think the target demographic would be children, since that seatbelt, as I recall, cuts you right across the face til you're an adult sized person. Nope. Their target is people who are so mal-nourished and skinny that any pressure on their skin causes their razor sharp bones to slice right through.

Also, this lady absolutely has a black eye. To the point where I just want to be like "blink once if they are holding you captive and making you use this frowny toy on your seatbelt". She's a hostage.

The Flowbee

This is a vacuum-cleaner edward-scissor-hands inspired death trap. This takes the mess out of home hair cuts and regardless of what they think, their target demographic is two groups: bachelors and the Boxcar Children. If you have zero intention of female interaction ever again, go ahead: suck your hair off. This is essentially targeted to the motherless/wifeless.

What they never say is what the plan is for this guys GIGANTIC nostrils. He picks his nose too much, there's no ifs ands or buts about it.

Here's the real BS behind this contraption. My sister invented this 20 years ago. I was innocently playing with my Barbies on my bed and she was slave-labor style vacuuming my room. In true Allison fashion she was in 1 corner of the room and the only logical next location for cleaning would be the opposite corner. Naturally. And without a doubt the only possible way to get there is to lift the ENTIRE vacuum and swing it whirling dervish style to that next spot. Maybe she swung it over my head. Maybe she caught all my hair up in it. Maybe I died a little inside that day when the vacuum cleaner took my hair hostage. All I know is that this was OUR invention. i had the sweet hair cut to prove it.

Work People

There is absolutely no way I will be able to cram this into 1 post. For starters, there are just way too many hilarious people that I'm sure we're all forced to work with. And in an effort to appeal to the crowd of readers that will claim my "posts are too long", I should probably break it up. I should also probably tell you that I'm seriously worried about your literacy, and I blame No Child Left Behind, as well as all of the Twilight books.

The Rules Are Rules People
These people are in charge of the most absurd yet critical aspects of my workday, like business cards. The "rule" at my office is that our business cards are not allowed to have really any relevant information about ourselves except for our names. Seems legit. So for a phone number, it's the front desk. There's also a fax number (which is awesome since I've never even seen a fax machine) and our address in case someone wants to mail me a bomb out of rage for the fact that my business card is as worthless as the ones my dad made me when I was 5 and playing "secretary".

I naturally felt the need to request my desk and cell phone number be added to my business card. And, after three weeks, two nasty emails from the rule follower and the involvement of TWO national directors, my customers can officially call me without being connected by an operator like in the 1950's. Also, these people will literally refuse to make eye contact with you after you force them to break one of their precious rules.



The Kitchen Dweller
I have confirmed with other colleagues of mine, and this guy officially doesn't even have a desk anymore. They just gave it away because he quite frankly lives in the kitchen. This person is also a name-Rain Man and can rattle off everyone's name at the office. I make it my personal mission to learn no one's name if I don't have to. That way I can use the nicknames I've come up for them in my head. I have no idea what this guy's name is. I do know that he drinks a weird amount of coffee. I also know that he wears denim Capri pants on casual Friday. And I feel like he might lick the bagels when no one is looking.

The Office Supply Nazi
Often BFF with the rule-followers are the people that ration office supplies like butter during WW2. It just so happens that they are also the only portal through which anyone can so much as get 1 post-it note. I made the terrible mistake of ordering a calculator from one of these people, which was instantly denied with an email asking "I have a casio calculator that I found in a desk when someone left, could you use that? Why do you need an engineering calculator?"...

Couple things here. I need an engineering calculator because I'm an engineer. Just check my brand new business card. Second, I work on about $100M worth of projects over the course of a year. And I'm asking for a $15 calculator. And lastly, if you think I'll be caught dead with anything that isn't an instrument made in Texas, you're insane. I'm not looking for an electronic piano keyboard, I'm trying to make dreams happen.

The Person Who Is Convinced You're an Idiot
It doesn't matter how fantastic you are at your job. You will occasionally mess up, and if you notice, it's almost always in front of the same person. This person at my work thinks that I should be wearing a bicycle helmet at all times I'm so dumb. When someone gives me a critical role, you can actually see their face cringe with fear that you might accidentally light the whole building on fire instead. They also feel the need to tell you good job on things in the voice that I use when my mute cat Newton squeaks out a meow.

The Person Who Never Ever Gets my Jokes
The second I find out someone doesn't understand and/or like my sense of humor, instead of being reasonable and just reigning it in a little, I go full force comedy act at them. I can even feel myself doing it and internally tell myself "this is going to go over like a fart in church... run... save yourself". This person in particular doesn't get sarcasm at all. That should be my clue to never say a word to them. Or, in actuality, only ever speak sarcastically to them.

When talking about a change in a system where now the system will have to be built with Union labor, overtime rates, and on holidays I choose to say "Oh, THAT'LL be cheap!"... response: "Um... Ainsley... no actually. That's a lot more expensive. Do you not understand where our labor rates come from?"...What. Is. Wrong with me. You know it's bad when your coworkers that don't even speak English as a first language are giving you the "cool it" sign.