Work People

There is absolutely no way I will be able to cram this into 1 post. For starters, there are just way too many hilarious people that I'm sure we're all forced to work with. And in an effort to appeal to the crowd of readers that will claim my "posts are too long", I should probably break it up. I should also probably tell you that I'm seriously worried about your literacy, and I blame No Child Left Behind, as well as all of the Twilight books.

The Rules Are Rules People
These people are in charge of the most absurd yet critical aspects of my workday, like business cards. The "rule" at my office is that our business cards are not allowed to have really any relevant information about ourselves except for our names. Seems legit. So for a phone number, it's the front desk. There's also a fax number (which is awesome since I've never even seen a fax machine) and our address in case someone wants to mail me a bomb out of rage for the fact that my business card is as worthless as the ones my dad made me when I was 5 and playing "secretary".

I naturally felt the need to request my desk and cell phone number be added to my business card. And, after three weeks, two nasty emails from the rule follower and the involvement of TWO national directors, my customers can officially call me without being connected by an operator like in the 1950's. Also, these people will literally refuse to make eye contact with you after you force them to break one of their precious rules.



The Kitchen Dweller
I have confirmed with other colleagues of mine, and this guy officially doesn't even have a desk anymore. They just gave it away because he quite frankly lives in the kitchen. This person is also a name-Rain Man and can rattle off everyone's name at the office. I make it my personal mission to learn no one's name if I don't have to. That way I can use the nicknames I've come up for them in my head. I have no idea what this guy's name is. I do know that he drinks a weird amount of coffee. I also know that he wears denim Capri pants on casual Friday. And I feel like he might lick the bagels when no one is looking.

The Office Supply Nazi
Often BFF with the rule-followers are the people that ration office supplies like butter during WW2. It just so happens that they are also the only portal through which anyone can so much as get 1 post-it note. I made the terrible mistake of ordering a calculator from one of these people, which was instantly denied with an email asking "I have a casio calculator that I found in a desk when someone left, could you use that? Why do you need an engineering calculator?"...

Couple things here. I need an engineering calculator because I'm an engineer. Just check my brand new business card. Second, I work on about $100M worth of projects over the course of a year. And I'm asking for a $15 calculator. And lastly, if you think I'll be caught dead with anything that isn't an instrument made in Texas, you're insane. I'm not looking for an electronic piano keyboard, I'm trying to make dreams happen.

The Person Who Is Convinced You're an Idiot
It doesn't matter how fantastic you are at your job. You will occasionally mess up, and if you notice, it's almost always in front of the same person. This person at my work thinks that I should be wearing a bicycle helmet at all times I'm so dumb. When someone gives me a critical role, you can actually see their face cringe with fear that you might accidentally light the whole building on fire instead. They also feel the need to tell you good job on things in the voice that I use when my mute cat Newton squeaks out a meow.

The Person Who Never Ever Gets my Jokes
The second I find out someone doesn't understand and/or like my sense of humor, instead of being reasonable and just reigning it in a little, I go full force comedy act at them. I can even feel myself doing it and internally tell myself "this is going to go over like a fart in church... run... save yourself". This person in particular doesn't get sarcasm at all. That should be my clue to never say a word to them. Or, in actuality, only ever speak sarcastically to them.

When talking about a change in a system where now the system will have to be built with Union labor, overtime rates, and on holidays I choose to say "Oh, THAT'LL be cheap!"... response: "Um... Ainsley... no actually. That's a lot more expensive. Do you not understand where our labor rates come from?"...What. Is. Wrong with me. You know it's bad when your coworkers that don't even speak English as a first language are giving you the "cool it" sign.