The Flex-Able Hose
The main draw of this hose, as touted throughout the commercial, is that regular hoses are too heavy. I'm sorry... what? "Regular hoses can weigh up to 8 pounds". How terrifying. Regular hoses can weigh as much as a new born baby? To the point where the lady in the commercial struggles with her heavy hose and HITS HERSELF IN THE FACE WITH IT by accident.
Get yourself together. The next draw of this miracle tube is that a child can use it. Cut to a 4 year old traipsing beside a pool spraying the water everywhere. Couple questions here... Who raised this child? Not the mother who can't lift more than 8 pounds. Is she adopted? Where is this noodle-armed mother now? Where's the child safety fence? That toddler is spraying water all over the floor. She's 1 second away from slipping into that unguarded pool and you know who will NOT be rescuing her? Anyone who can't lift 8 pounds.
Pajama Jeans
Just give up. Stop it. When the sales pitch tagline on a pair of pants is a "mock fly" then maybe you just go up a size on your regular, grown up pants. Why is the fly giving you so much trouble that you're willing to wear illusion pants.
The best part about these pants is the models are all skinny, but their target is absurdly large need-a-walker-but-i-didn't-break-my-legs sized people. So the models are forced to show all the tub-benefits. Like love-handle room
And Thanksgiving belly room
I seriously considered buying a pair of these in college. Mainly to be ironic but also because that weird tunic dress/shirt/gown thing I kept wearing wasn't fooling anyone into thinking I was bathing during finals week. These suckers are TWEN-TY DOLL-HAIRS. Dignity is apparently more expensive the a pair of skinnies from Forever 21.
Comfort Wipe
I thought we had really gone down the rabbit hole when those airplane seatbelt extensions came out. This product is for people who are physically incapable of wiping themselves. It extends your reach an additional 18 inches. This is not exactly what Gogo Gadget had in mind. The best part about this commercial is their target isn't gigantic people, or people with T-Rex arms. It's people who are so "with it" they aren't willing to use a technology "from the 1880's".
Ok George Jetson, you're a real techno front runner. You've got yourself a poop stick that you now use. Are you taking this out and about with you? Do you have ones for your guests? Also have we confirmed that 1880s claim? I can't for the LIFE of me believe toilet paper wasn't invented before then. You're telling me we invented guns and cannons but drip dried. Gross.
Tiddy Bear
First of all, you don't get to replace a few letter "t"s with the letter "d" and think Americans can't crack that code. This is a boob bear. And the target audience is people who are made out of tissue paper. To the point where a fabric seat belt is going to send them into a tissy and the solution is a stuffed animal.
Miley Cyrus is the only adult I know of who's that interested in getting molested by a teddy bear. You'd think the target demographic would be children, since that seatbelt, as I recall, cuts you right across the face til you're an adult sized person. Nope. Their target is people who are so mal-nourished and skinny that any pressure on their skin causes their razor sharp bones to slice right through.
Also, this lady absolutely has a black eye. To the point where I just want to be like "blink once if they are holding you captive and making you use this frowny toy on your seatbelt". She's a hostage.
The Flowbee
This is a vacuum-cleaner edward-scissor-hands inspired death trap. This takes the mess out of home hair cuts and regardless of what they think, their target demographic is two groups: bachelors and the Boxcar Children. If you have zero intention of female interaction ever again, go ahead: suck your hair off. This is essentially targeted to the motherless/wifeless.
What they never say is what the plan is for this guys GIGANTIC nostrils. He picks his nose too much, there's no ifs ands or buts about it.
Here's the real BS behind this contraption. My sister invented this 20 years ago. I was innocently playing with my Barbies on my bed and she was slave-labor style vacuuming my room. In true Allison fashion she was in 1 corner of the room and the only logical next location for cleaning would be the opposite corner. Naturally. And without a doubt the only possible way to get there is to lift the ENTIRE vacuum and swing it whirling dervish style to that next spot. Maybe she swung it over my head. Maybe she caught all my hair up in it. Maybe I died a little inside that day when the vacuum cleaner took my hair hostage. All I know is that this was OUR invention. i had the sweet hair cut to prove it.
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