The Day Ryan Almost Robbed a Five Thousand Year Old Lady

Ok, so obviously that's an exaggeration. He didn't come close to robbing her. He was actually sitting on the same bench as she was and set his hand down and her purse was there. Which obviously translated into me yelling "oh my gosh Ryan do not steal that lady's purse" so he would be embarrassed. She was, however, approximately 5,000 years old. Which got me to thinking, had he pulled off this heist without me calling him out, what exactly was he going to make away with.

1. Strawberry/Vanilla/Chocolate sugar free wafers

The package should describe these as "mildly flavored styrofoam" or more accurately "something you might not technically be able to digest but you can't explain why you're still eating them". These "cookies" lived in my grandmother's purse. She always had them. To the point where I am almost positive her purse manufactured them. It certainly was a large enough purse to house a manufacturing plant. And I, as a child, was so deprived of cookies that I would willingly eat these. Yes, when you bit down the wafers turned to cookie-shards of glass and severed your mouth. Also, I'm certain these didn't expire. It's not like they were going to go stale. These cookies invented stale.

2. A pick

That wig is not going to maintain itself. Also, I'm pretty sure they only use the long pointy stabbing device at the end to fluff it up. How 5 long thick pieces of plastic would ever accomplish anything involving hair is beyond me. Especially since old lady fingers are the human equivalent to long pieces of plastic. They have 2 built in picks already on them, but I guarantee you they've got a pick in their purse.

3. A Jitterbug

To be honest, I would love a jitterbug. To be free of the shackles that society and social media puts on us, to exclusively be able to call no more than 4 people, two of those options being your daughter's cell and then her home phone. It's only socially acceptable for people that are about a million to have these devises, and I find that the age version of racist. I think that's called agist. ragist. It's not fair. Also, I will never forget the catchy tune for the jitterbug commercials. It's like they are appealing to their target demographic by playing a tune from their heyday - the 20s.

4. Half of a stick of gum

I thought that old lady's purses would be where you could find the worlds oldest piece of gum until I opened the center console of Ryan's car. Apparently after a century gum changes flavor, state, viscosity, and color. I will never know why old ladies have 14 half sticks of juicy fruit in their purse. Who is chewing that? And don't say my dad because everyone knows that Bill has chewed full pieces of juicy fruit for the past 3 decades. I'm convinced these ladies are just taking full pieces and ripping them in half and then putting them back in their purse to coagulate at the bottom, with the wafer crumbs.

5. Worther's Original and Horehounds

Worther's Original is addictive. Bottom line. It has never ever won in a competition against any other candy, including smarties, but when it's you're only option, it wins, every time. I feel like worther's commercials are pretending like it's the candy from the good old days. Like "take a stroll down memory lane with a Worther's". That cannot be the best memory of the good old days. That is a candy from the depression.

And the only candy worse than that is horehounds. They are flavored like a piece of wood that has been soaking in a creek for about 3 weeks. Your teeth will lose in a battle against this candy. But they come in a bag and each piece is coated in a white powder. Obviously cocaine or why would people keep eating them.


Am I glad Ryan didn't rob this lady? Yes. I really like that restaurant and I want to go back. But we did miss out on some sweet loot in the process.

Why Bob Ross Taught Me Every Life Lesson I Need

I work with an Italian that has lived here in America for about a year and a half, and I have made it my personal mission to teach him all things USA so that he feels like he’s one of us. Needless to say, watching Bob Ross paint a landscape is a requisite. In rewatching an episode I realized something. Bob Ross has taught me every valuable life lesson I'll ever need. Through the language of paint and love. And hair. Side note, if you don't know who Bob Ross is, ask your mom for permission to go on youtube (because you better be under the age of 12) and look him up.

You Should Trust People

Well obviously not everyone (Ted Bundy yourself) but in general, this is true. You know how he taught me this? Because he would have a painting that I would, in my infinite 5 year old wisdom, deem finished. And then, like a bat out of hell he’d streak across the whole canvas a crooked, pitch-black line. Right down the middle. I would literally say out loud “WHY!!?!? IT’S RUINED!”.

(Oh yes Bob, let's put gigantic white blobs in the pond. That's a GREAT IDEA!!!)

 And it was like he heard me because he’d be like “We don’t make mistakes, we make happy accidents”. Alright, you paintbrush wielding Yoda, prove it. And he would. EVERY TIME!

Boom, that's the finished product WHHHHAAAATTTT.T.T.T.T.!?

Everyone Deserves To Be Happy

I mean, I refuse to believe he has ever painted a tree that was in the doldrums. Even every leaf was a happy little leaf. 

Not just that, they had BACK STORIES! “Maybe this tree, when he was a baby, got trampled on by a great big moose and this branch is a little crooked. He’s not sad about it though, because that moose helped make him who he is today. You don’t have to be perfect, the crooked lines are what makes us who we are”. Was I a little self conscious that a tree was more self aware and confident than I will ever be? Absolutely. Am I uncomfortable that one of my current role models is apparently a leaf that is happy when he falls off and dies because something beautiful will come from him? Clearly. Bob set the standard a bit high.

You Do You

Bob Ross will never be accused of trying to be anyone but Bob Ross. His hair defied the laws of physics, fashion and might have even been illegal in certain states (not Texas, obviously – Higher the hair the closer to God). 

I like to think that he donated his body to science when he died to research how his hair did that. Maybe we can harness the magic and make a hover craft, which in my opinion is about a decade overdue. Hashtag George Jetson. I’m also jumping to the conclusion that Bob died and am too lazy to google it so if he didn’t – whoops.

Sometimes Colors are Bullshit

Whatever portion of this lesson I didn’t already learn from Crayola (Damn you burnt sienna for looking like you’re brown and being straight up orange) Bob solidified with the paint names he used.

                                                            (These trees are "purple".)

 “Oh we’re going to use Caspian Sea blue for the leaves” – and I’m like “Bob you’re high on paint fumes, trees aren’t blue, this isn’t the movie Avitar”. And lo and behold, Caspian Sea Blue is secretly tree leaf green. What. WHAT?! How many ponds did he make that mistake with before he realized it? Probably as many times as I drew orange horses with a burnt sienna crayon. Also, yes I see the glaring plot hole in me being 5 and having referenced Avitar. I stand by it.

(Brunt Sienna my ass, I don't even know what a sienna is, but i do know that if you burn it it gets real deceptive)