The Day Ryan Almost Robbed a Five Thousand Year Old Lady

Ok, so obviously that's an exaggeration. He didn't come close to robbing her. He was actually sitting on the same bench as she was and set his hand down and her purse was there. Which obviously translated into me yelling "oh my gosh Ryan do not steal that lady's purse" so he would be embarrassed. She was, however, approximately 5,000 years old. Which got me to thinking, had he pulled off this heist without me calling him out, what exactly was he going to make away with.

1. Strawberry/Vanilla/Chocolate sugar free wafers

The package should describe these as "mildly flavored styrofoam" or more accurately "something you might not technically be able to digest but you can't explain why you're still eating them". These "cookies" lived in my grandmother's purse. She always had them. To the point where I am almost positive her purse manufactured them. It certainly was a large enough purse to house a manufacturing plant. And I, as a child, was so deprived of cookies that I would willingly eat these. Yes, when you bit down the wafers turned to cookie-shards of glass and severed your mouth. Also, I'm certain these didn't expire. It's not like they were going to go stale. These cookies invented stale.

2. A pick

That wig is not going to maintain itself. Also, I'm pretty sure they only use the long pointy stabbing device at the end to fluff it up. How 5 long thick pieces of plastic would ever accomplish anything involving hair is beyond me. Especially since old lady fingers are the human equivalent to long pieces of plastic. They have 2 built in picks already on them, but I guarantee you they've got a pick in their purse.

3. A Jitterbug

To be honest, I would love a jitterbug. To be free of the shackles that society and social media puts on us, to exclusively be able to call no more than 4 people, two of those options being your daughter's cell and then her home phone. It's only socially acceptable for people that are about a million to have these devises, and I find that the age version of racist. I think that's called agist. ragist. It's not fair. Also, I will never forget the catchy tune for the jitterbug commercials. It's like they are appealing to their target demographic by playing a tune from their heyday - the 20s.

4. Half of a stick of gum

I thought that old lady's purses would be where you could find the worlds oldest piece of gum until I opened the center console of Ryan's car. Apparently after a century gum changes flavor, state, viscosity, and color. I will never know why old ladies have 14 half sticks of juicy fruit in their purse. Who is chewing that? And don't say my dad because everyone knows that Bill has chewed full pieces of juicy fruit for the past 3 decades. I'm convinced these ladies are just taking full pieces and ripping them in half and then putting them back in their purse to coagulate at the bottom, with the wafer crumbs.

5. Worther's Original and Horehounds

Worther's Original is addictive. Bottom line. It has never ever won in a competition against any other candy, including smarties, but when it's you're only option, it wins, every time. I feel like worther's commercials are pretending like it's the candy from the good old days. Like "take a stroll down memory lane with a Worther's". That cannot be the best memory of the good old days. That is a candy from the depression.

And the only candy worse than that is horehounds. They are flavored like a piece of wood that has been soaking in a creek for about 3 weeks. Your teeth will lose in a battle against this candy. But they come in a bag and each piece is coated in a white powder. Obviously cocaine or why would people keep eating them.


Am I glad Ryan didn't rob this lady? Yes. I really like that restaurant and I want to go back. But we did miss out on some sweet loot in the process.