Why Europe Couldn’t Be Any Weirder

I love Europe. Mostly because whenever I go over there it’s for work and all my food is paid for, and I especially love food. But I also love it for how different it is from the US, and I find that refreshing. However, after spending 3 weeks over there recently, it became less “refreshing” and more “funky”. And not like the cool girl at school who can wear the shirt with 1 sleeve and crimp her hair and pull it off, funky.

Reason 1: You have to be Nostradamus to go to the bathroom.

The light switches for all bathrooms are located outside of the bathroom. Which means if the door is closed and you’re walking in, you have to know ahead of time that the light is on or off, lest you be waltzing in to a dark room and then having to walk backwards to retrace your steps and find your way out. Once you are back out of the room, you then have to turn into Copernicus and search high and low for said light switch. Mind you, their light switches are the size and shape of a toaster strudel, which in its own right is weird.

We can’t have this here. You know why? Because I would, 100% of the time, turn the light off on people in the bathroom while I’m outside of it. I mean, this would in no way ever get old for me. And simultaneously, people would do it to me as well. American’s aren't mature enough for this. And quite frankly, I like to be the boss of if the lights are on or off while I’m in there.

Reason 2: The blow dryers are just for show

They shouldn't be called blow dryers. You have to be a contortionist to simply operate the contraption, which forces you to hold a button in the ENTIRE time you’re using it. Was it a big problem in the past, people just turning a blow dryer on, setting it down, leaving, and a building burning down? Is that why this added safety precaution exists? It’s equally as frustrating as when you go to a gas station and the clicky thing isn’t there and you have to hold the pump the whole time.

And as if that wasn't enough, I would equate the ferocity of the blow dryer’s effect as the same as if you paid a 6 year old a quarter to stand there and just blow air from their mouth on your head. That level of commitment to the task at hand.

 Cut to 45 minutes later, hair still wet and looking worse than before you washed it.

Reason 3: Elf-sized portions of beverages

Yes I’m American, and pretty much everyone’s favorite joke over there is that we do everything bigger. Ouch. They really know how to cut us to the core. You know why we do everything bigger? Because a shot glass is not an appropriate container for coffee in the morning. I actually invented a large coffee when I was over there. It went something like this:

Me: Hi, yes, I want your biggest coffee you have, please.

Coffee Lady: We only have 1 size (holds up world’s smallest cup)

Me: Alright. I would like 4 of those please.

Coffee Lady: Ok. I can put them all together in this larger cup (magically pulls reasonably sized cup out from the abyss).

Me: Yes. Do that. Also, that’s the new definition of “your biggest coffee”.

I mean. I saw the world make a little more sense to her that day. Also, side note to their commitment to dehydration, they are OVERLY committed to bread. I mean, here’s a whole loaf of bread, bon appétit. Sick. Also, meats and cheeses take way too much of a front-and-center role in the lunch arena. Pleck.

Reason 4: Their Idea of “Walking Distance” is Debatable

Let’s put it this way: I break out in a full sweat peeling an apple. So to walk a mile to grab something to eat means nobody wins if they’re near me. It is totally reasonable to be like “oh I biked to work today… 12 miles… I’m going running during lunch and biking home after”. I can only assume they are going home to swim laps in their daily triathlon-styled life.

Not to mention, it’s so cold in Europe right now that sometimes I just forgot to breathe. I LITERALLY thought to myself “why do I feel so light-headed” and it was because my insides were sick of being as cold as my outsides so i stopped breathing. I get that it’s the least conducive place in the world for anything other than a man on a horse, or possibly a chariot, but the walking thing is brutal. I’ll just stay in the office and eat cold cuts, thank you very much.

Infomercial People

It's come to my attention that should any human ever actually emulate the people depicted in infomercials they should be deemed disabled and draw social security benefits.

The Flex-Able Hose

The main draw of this hose, as touted throughout the commercial, is that regular hoses are too heavy. I'm sorry... what? "Regular hoses can weigh up to 8 pounds". How terrifying. Regular hoses can weigh as much as a new born baby? To the point where the lady in the commercial struggles with her heavy hose and HITS HERSELF IN THE FACE WITH IT by accident.

Get yourself together. The next draw of this miracle tube is that a child can use it. Cut to a 4 year old traipsing beside a pool spraying the water everywhere. Couple questions here... Who raised this child? Not the mother who can't lift more than 8 pounds. Is she adopted? Where is this noodle-armed mother now? Where's the child safety fence? That toddler is spraying water all over the floor. She's 1 second away from slipping into that unguarded pool and you know who will NOT be rescuing her? Anyone who can't lift 8 pounds.

Pajama Jeans

Just give up. Stop it. When the sales pitch tagline on a pair of pants is a "mock fly" then maybe you just go up a size on your regular, grown up pants. Why is the fly giving you so much trouble that you're willing to wear illusion pants.

The best part about these pants is the models are all skinny, but their target is absurdly large need-a-walker-but-i-didn't-break-my-legs sized people. So the models are forced to show all the tub-benefits. Like love-handle room

And Thanksgiving belly room

I seriously considered buying a pair of these in college. Mainly to be ironic but also because that weird tunic dress/shirt/gown thing I kept wearing wasn't fooling anyone into thinking I was bathing during finals week. These suckers are TWEN-TY DOLL-HAIRS. Dignity is apparently more expensive the a pair of skinnies from Forever 21.

Comfort Wipe

I thought we had really gone down the rabbit hole when those airplane seatbelt extensions came out. This product is for people who are physically incapable of wiping themselves. It extends your reach an additional 18 inches. This is not exactly what Gogo Gadget had in mind. The best part about this commercial is their target isn't gigantic people, or people with T-Rex arms. It's people who are so "with it" they aren't willing to use a technology "from the 1880's".

Ok George Jetson, you're a real techno front runner. You've got yourself a poop stick that you now use. Are you taking this out and about with you? Do you have ones for your guests? Also have we confirmed that 1880s claim? I can't for the LIFE of me believe toilet paper wasn't invented before then. You're telling me we invented guns and cannons but drip dried. Gross.

Tiddy Bear

First of all, you don't get to replace a few letter "t"s with the letter "d" and think Americans can't crack that code. This is a boob bear. And the target audience is people who are made out of tissue paper. To the point where a fabric seat belt is going to send them into a tissy and the solution is a stuffed animal.

Miley Cyrus is the only adult I know of who's that interested in getting molested by a teddy bear. You'd think the target demographic would be children, since that seatbelt, as I recall, cuts you right across the face til you're an adult sized person. Nope. Their target is people who are so mal-nourished and skinny that any pressure on their skin causes their razor sharp bones to slice right through.

Also, this lady absolutely has a black eye. To the point where I just want to be like "blink once if they are holding you captive and making you use this frowny toy on your seatbelt". She's a hostage.

The Flowbee

This is a vacuum-cleaner edward-scissor-hands inspired death trap. This takes the mess out of home hair cuts and regardless of what they think, their target demographic is two groups: bachelors and the Boxcar Children. If you have zero intention of female interaction ever again, go ahead: suck your hair off. This is essentially targeted to the motherless/wifeless.

What they never say is what the plan is for this guys GIGANTIC nostrils. He picks his nose too much, there's no ifs ands or buts about it.

Here's the real BS behind this contraption. My sister invented this 20 years ago. I was innocently playing with my Barbies on my bed and she was slave-labor style vacuuming my room. In true Allison fashion she was in 1 corner of the room and the only logical next location for cleaning would be the opposite corner. Naturally. And without a doubt the only possible way to get there is to lift the ENTIRE vacuum and swing it whirling dervish style to that next spot. Maybe she swung it over my head. Maybe she caught all my hair up in it. Maybe I died a little inside that day when the vacuum cleaner took my hair hostage. All I know is that this was OUR invention. i had the sweet hair cut to prove it.

Work People

There is absolutely no way I will be able to cram this into 1 post. For starters, there are just way too many hilarious people that I'm sure we're all forced to work with. And in an effort to appeal to the crowd of readers that will claim my "posts are too long", I should probably break it up. I should also probably tell you that I'm seriously worried about your literacy, and I blame No Child Left Behind, as well as all of the Twilight books.

The Rules Are Rules People
These people are in charge of the most absurd yet critical aspects of my workday, like business cards. The "rule" at my office is that our business cards are not allowed to have really any relevant information about ourselves except for our names. Seems legit. So for a phone number, it's the front desk. There's also a fax number (which is awesome since I've never even seen a fax machine) and our address in case someone wants to mail me a bomb out of rage for the fact that my business card is as worthless as the ones my dad made me when I was 5 and playing "secretary".

I naturally felt the need to request my desk and cell phone number be added to my business card. And, after three weeks, two nasty emails from the rule follower and the involvement of TWO national directors, my customers can officially call me without being connected by an operator like in the 1950's. Also, these people will literally refuse to make eye contact with you after you force them to break one of their precious rules.



The Kitchen Dweller
I have confirmed with other colleagues of mine, and this guy officially doesn't even have a desk anymore. They just gave it away because he quite frankly lives in the kitchen. This person is also a name-Rain Man and can rattle off everyone's name at the office. I make it my personal mission to learn no one's name if I don't have to. That way I can use the nicknames I've come up for them in my head. I have no idea what this guy's name is. I do know that he drinks a weird amount of coffee. I also know that he wears denim Capri pants on casual Friday. And I feel like he might lick the bagels when no one is looking.

The Office Supply Nazi
Often BFF with the rule-followers are the people that ration office supplies like butter during WW2. It just so happens that they are also the only portal through which anyone can so much as get 1 post-it note. I made the terrible mistake of ordering a calculator from one of these people, which was instantly denied with an email asking "I have a casio calculator that I found in a desk when someone left, could you use that? Why do you need an engineering calculator?"...

Couple things here. I need an engineering calculator because I'm an engineer. Just check my brand new business card. Second, I work on about $100M worth of projects over the course of a year. And I'm asking for a $15 calculator. And lastly, if you think I'll be caught dead with anything that isn't an instrument made in Texas, you're insane. I'm not looking for an electronic piano keyboard, I'm trying to make dreams happen.

The Person Who Is Convinced You're an Idiot
It doesn't matter how fantastic you are at your job. You will occasionally mess up, and if you notice, it's almost always in front of the same person. This person at my work thinks that I should be wearing a bicycle helmet at all times I'm so dumb. When someone gives me a critical role, you can actually see their face cringe with fear that you might accidentally light the whole building on fire instead. They also feel the need to tell you good job on things in the voice that I use when my mute cat Newton squeaks out a meow.

The Person Who Never Ever Gets my Jokes
The second I find out someone doesn't understand and/or like my sense of humor, instead of being reasonable and just reigning it in a little, I go full force comedy act at them. I can even feel myself doing it and internally tell myself "this is going to go over like a fart in church... run... save yourself". This person in particular doesn't get sarcasm at all. That should be my clue to never say a word to them. Or, in actuality, only ever speak sarcastically to them.

When talking about a change in a system where now the system will have to be built with Union labor, overtime rates, and on holidays I choose to say "Oh, THAT'LL be cheap!"... response: "Um... Ainsley... no actually. That's a lot more expensive. Do you not understand where our labor rates come from?"...What. Is. Wrong with me. You know it's bad when your coworkers that don't even speak English as a first language are giving you the "cool it" sign.

Can The Dramatics

I honestly cannot believe I’ve gone this long without addressing the most absurd thing that is currently in my life: Facebook. This social media requisite for any 20-something is a virtual playground for the most dramatic people that ever existed, and it is on this forum that they will let their crazy flags fly. And that is why I love/hate/love it.

The Overreacter

Probably not a word, but to be fair, neither was “twerking” a hot minute ago. We all know the girl that breaks up with her boyfriend and spirals out of control. First it’s the really gloomy posts like “When is this ever going to stop hurting?”. Answer: Probably when you stop making us suffer from second-hand embarrassment at you airing your personal life out on facebook. That’s when.

These women (and they are always women) will even go so far as to deactivate and cancel their facebook accounts. Really, crazy pants? The guy you dated for 6 months just broke up with you and your solution is to DELETE the 1,562 pictures of yourself (85% of which are selfies btw). I can’t for the LIFE of me imagine why you two didn’t make it work, you’re so rational. Which brings me to my next point.

People That are Way too cool for Facebook

This is specific to people my age. If you’re 40 and you’re doin you out there, by all means, don’t sign up now. There’s nothing more tragic then someone blasting through their midlife crisis with 13 facebook friends because they just signed up and they are trying to find people. I’m talking about people who are like “Oh I never signed up for that…”. SHAAA-WHAAATTT?

  

And their reasons are like, “I have a super important job and I don’t want them to find me”. Settle down. No you don’t. And let’s pretend for 1 red hot second that you do have such a high profile job that people are seeking you out non-stop in attempts to fire you… Maybe just untag the keg stand pics of yourself. That’s all. No one is going to be like “well, her profile says she likes music and her favorite show is Big Bang Theory… I think we have enough here to get her fired”.

People That Should Deactivate Their Account

There’s always an exception to the rule, and these people are it. They have absolutely no clue how to behave in public and should not be allowed on facebook or within 10 yards of me at any point. These are the absolute train wrecks that will put posts like “I’m just really sad right now” and when people ask what happened they reply “I don’t want to talk about it”. These people should be sad about the fact that I now hate them.

They also will put posts like “I’m going to the movies alone, who wants to join me?!”. Hey, Lonely, don’t do that. Don’t put that info out there. Because you know who does want to join you? Someone who wants to take your skin off your body and make lamp shades for his house. That message is intended for a group text at best.

The rapid-updater should also exit facebook, stage right. I had a relative put 67 posts up in 30 minutes. She is completely blocked from my account at this point after I tediously reported each post as “racially charged”. Granted, none of them were, but there was no option that was “this person is a lunatic and they must be stopped” so “racist” was the next closest description.

The over-liker. Hi, person I haven’t interacted with in person since 2^nd grade. I’m glad you like every picture that’s ever been posted ever of me- quite frankly, so do I. But the fact that you click “like” on them the instant they are uploaded makes me think that you might be the skin-lampshade person from before.

The worst part is, the greater the infraction, the more fascinating I find these people. My friend Jill has a friend on Facebook that is such a horror show that we look at her profile once a week. And Jill will not let me friend request this person for fear that the request will be tied back to Jill and she’ll get unfriended and lose access to this precious gift. This is a twisted world we live in.

These things Just Have to Be Addressed

Since I apparently CAN’T STOP changing my name back and forth more than P. Diddy, I decided to go to the social security office today. That level of annoyance = cut to, this new post. This post isn't as much a rant (it might be a rant) but more an ode to something we've all felt. I know we have. There are people that annoy the ever-loving crap out of us, and I would venture to guess it’s the same types of people. Let’s dive in:

People that react as if you’re a lunatic

This reaction will instantly drive me up a wall. If I’m tossing back and forth the idea of dying my hair neon green, by all means, please react in a way that would indicate I need a straight jacket. If I’m referencing a TV show or movie that was extremely popular when we were growing up and you didn't watch it, YOU’RE the freak. Not me.

The best is when these people make excuses like “Oh I didn't see Zenon the Zequal because I was playing outside”. No you were not. You were not a missing member of the Boxcar Children. You weren't an original character in Lord of the Flies. You literally had to LIVE outside for 4 solid years to not catch that movie. And good luck coping with life, ill prepared. Disney Channel Movies have taught me 80% of the life’s lessons I currently know.

An equally annoying iteration of this is when people ask “did you mean this?” and there is zero point zero percent chance that’s what you meant. I was in Home Depot asking a lady if they sold Corn Hole Boards. Her response? “Did you mean a drawer?”. Ummm… surely you didn't think that. Surely if I were struggling to remember the word “drawer” I wouldn't have stumbled onto “corn hole board”. Also who’s shopping for a singular drawer??? When I finished explaining what a corn hole board was her reaction was that from a horror film. How could I ever even suggest they carry such an item.

Facebook Lovers

I think it’s 100% the most fabulous thing in the world that you’re in love. Actually I don’t care at all, but I mean if I had to pick between you being in love or miserable I’d probably pick in love. You’re welcome. Aside from that, the LAST thing I care to see is a personalized love note to your significant other. I’m not talking about a cute picture and a sweet 1 sentence message. Those are inspiring. I’m talking a love epistle.

“Oh you’re the best thing that ever happened to me and I thank God for you every day and even though we've had our rough times you’re still the one for me blah blah blah” times a million. You know what I do to these statuses? I report them. No they aren't racially charged or sexist, but they are equally as offensive for their over sharing. FYI if you report a Facebook status or picture it’s anonymous. So, join me in the fight against over sharing. Report.

People that don’t have an iPhone and “don’t even want one”

Yes you do, don’t lie. I appreciate your willingness to embrace the phone you've got. That’s honestly the right attitude because being annoyed that you have a Galaxy Z97.4 E 9-series Windows phone isn't going to make life any easier. But don’t try to convince me that if you had the chance to change over to the iPhone you wouldn't jump out of your seat to do so. Choosing to not have an iPhone is so hipster of you, I hope you wear suspenders a lot.