I love Europe. Mostly
because whenever I go over there it’s for work and all my food is paid for, and
I especially love food. But I also love it for how different it is from the US,
and I find that refreshing. However, after spending 3 weeks over there recently,
it became less “refreshing” and more “funky”. And not like the cool girl at
school who can wear the shirt with 1 sleeve and crimp her hair and pull it off,
funky.
Reason 1: You have to
be Nostradamus to go to the bathroom.
The light switches for
all bathrooms are located outside of the bathroom. Which means if the door is
closed and you’re walking in, you have to know ahead of time that the light is
on or off, lest you be waltzing in to a dark room and then having to walk
backwards to retrace your steps and find your way out. Once you are back out of
the room, you then have to turn into Copernicus and search high and low for
said light switch. Mind you, their light switches are the size and shape of a
toaster strudel, which in its own right is weird.
We can’t have this
here. You know why? Because I would, 100% of the time, turn the light off on
people in the bathroom while I’m outside of it. I mean, this would in no way ever
get old for me. And simultaneously, people would do it to me as well. American’s
aren't mature enough for this. And quite frankly, I like to be the boss of if
the lights are on or off while I’m in there.
Reason 2: The blow
dryers are just for show
They shouldn't be
called blow dryers. You have to be a contortionist to simply operate the
contraption, which forces you to hold a button in the ENTIRE time you’re using
it. Was it a big problem in the past, people just turning a blow dryer on,
setting it down, leaving, and a building burning down? Is that why this added
safety precaution exists? It’s equally as frustrating as when you go to a gas station
and the clicky thing isn’t there and you have to hold the pump the whole time.
And as if that wasn't enough,
I would equate the ferocity of the blow dryer’s effect as the same as if you
paid a 6 year old a quarter to stand there and just blow air from their mouth on
your head. That level of commitment to the task at hand.
Cut to 45 minutes
later, hair still wet and looking worse than before you washed it.
Reason 3: Elf-sized
portions of beverages
Yes I’m American, and
pretty much everyone’s favorite joke over there is that we do everything bigger.
Ouch. They really know how to cut us to the core. You know why we do everything
bigger? Because a shot glass is not an appropriate container for coffee in the
morning. I actually invented a large coffee when I was over there. It went
something like this:
Me: Hi, yes, I want
your biggest coffee you have, please.
Coffee Lady: We only
have 1 size (holds up world’s smallest cup)
Me: Alright. I would
like 4 of those please.
Coffee Lady: Ok. I can
put them all together in this larger cup (magically pulls reasonably sized cup
out from the abyss).
Me: Yes. Do that.
Also, that’s the new definition of “your biggest coffee”.
I mean. I saw the
world make a little more sense to her that day. Also, side note to their commitment
to dehydration, they are OVERLY committed to bread. I mean, here’s a whole loaf
of bread, bon appétit. Sick. Also, meats and cheeses take way too much of a
front-and-center role in the lunch arena. Pleck.
Reason 4: Their Idea
of “Walking Distance” is Debatable
Let’s put it this way:
I break out in a full sweat peeling an apple. So to walk a mile to grab
something to eat means nobody wins if they’re near me. It is totally reasonable
to be like “oh I biked to work today… 12 miles… I’m going running during lunch
and biking home after”. I can only assume they are going home to swim laps in
their daily triathlon-styled life.
Not to mention, it’s
so cold in Europe right now that sometimes I just forgot to breathe. I
LITERALLY thought to myself “why do I feel so light-headed” and it was because
my insides were sick of being as cold as my outsides so i stopped breathing. I get that it’s the least
conducive place in the world for anything other than a man on a horse, or
possibly a chariot, but the walking thing is brutal. I’ll just stay in the
office and eat cold cuts, thank you very much.
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