I consider myself someone who can “figure stuff out”. I’m not going to pull a “Good Will Hunting” on anyone and solve impossible problems, but maybe I use 11% of my brain than the average 10% lets say. With this in mind, I’m utterly flabbergasted by certain things, things I will more than likely never understand, and I’m hoping that I’m not alone.
Fingerless gloves
The purpose of a glove is to keep your hands warm. Anyone knows that when someone is left in the freezing elements, the fingers and the toes are the first to go. So needless to say, the fingerless glove couldn’t make less sense to me. First of all, my initial reaction to seeing them for sale in a store is “why would I want to instantly turn myself into a bum?”. And then I think “of ALL people, bums should have the full finger version of a glove!”. What I need to know is who’s producing these half-hearted attempts at insulation, and who is purchasing them enough to keep them coming, year after year.
Wachovia transition
Wells Fargo bought the company a good 2 years ago, and I’m not sure if anyone really noticed. Then, in the span of 1 night, every Wachovia in the entire state of Georgia transformed into a Wells Fargo. The huge building downtown, banks, ATMs, everywhere. My question is “How many people were involved in this over night phenomenon?!’. I can only assume that they forced every Wachovia employee to chip in that night and change the signs, shirts, coffee mugs, etc. And to top it off, they kept it COMPLETELY SECRET until it happened, and no one that works at these establishments will agree with me that it was alarmingly fast and creepy. This level of conspiracy is dangerously close to government quality. I’m onto you Wells Fargo. I. Am. Onto you.
Mirrors in elevators
Here’s a concept. Let’s stick a bunch of perfect strangers into a confined space, have them all face the same way so as to avoid starting at someone from 3 inches away, and then slap a mirror on the wall everyone is facing. Where exactly am I supposed to look? Here are your options: You can stare at yourself and make everyone think that you’re madly in love with yourself. People will notice that you are doing this, and people will make a face about it, which everyone will see, due to the mirror. You can stare at someone else. This will instantly force a conversation to alleviate the awkwardness. Popular topics are “What floor are you going to?”, “I love this remake of River of Dreams for Elevators” and “Man these mirrors are weird”. You could glance around the entire elevator, not landing on one item for more than 1 second. This will make you dizzy and look like you’re eyes are going berzerk. This is usually my choice. I understand that mirrors make small spaces look bigger. Turns out they make them real awkward too.
Travel Show hosts
There are many jobs that I would consider a dream job. Most of these dream jobs still require some kind of effort, a considerable amount of training, luck, and skill. The one job that busts the dream job mold is being a travel show host. Let me break this job down for you. You get to go to the most interesting places in the world. You get to stay at the best hotels, eat at the best restaurants, visit the best sights. You get to test out the spa and also try out the best adventure activities. So I gotta break it to you, sounds A LOT like a vacation. Oh, you don’t have to pay for anything, you get paid actually. Quite a bit. HOW IN THE WORLD do you get this job!?! I tell you how you get this job. You’re going to have to murder Rick Steves and take the job from him. I’m not above it.
Quiche
The invention of this must have been someone who said “I really want to eat a pie, but the only ingredient I have to make a pie is a pie crust. Everything else I have I would put in an omelet. EUREKA!” and the most revolting breakfast food was made. There were quite a few successful inventions created by combining two distinct food items. The sandwich, the ice cream cone, chicken and waffles (also makes no sense, but I’ll allow it because I still think they’re kidding about that actually being a meal). It’s high time someone acknowledge that the quiche was a fail. It couldn’t be more of a let down either. It’s wheedled it’s way into bridal showers and brunches. “Oh, don’t worry about eating before the baby shower, we’ll have food”, and then you show up and you get bit sized scrambled egg pies, and you feel like Ashton Kutcher is going to pop out with a camera. So to all the quiche makers I simply have to say “Calm. Down.”.
No comments:
Post a Comment