I had the misfortune of, this week, heading to Lenox mall to shop around. For some reason, knowing that every high schooler in the Nation was out of school this week didn't dissuade me. This lapse in judgement did, almost, massacre the Christmas joy I generally have starting in about mid August. Let me walk you through it.
I usually park on the top of the parking deck at the mall. Reason: unknown, but I'm a creature of habit. Big mistake, since the Pink Pig gigantic tent has been planted up there for a solid month already. The Pink Pig couldn't make less sense. It's a gigantic tent with pink, doo-wop themed pigs running around and a choo choo train that goes in a circle at a glacial pace while parents take pictures of their miserable, matching children that are riding it. These parents are COMMIT ED to getting this photo taken. They will wait in a line that wraps all the way around the deck if they need to. Might I remind you, this has literally nothing to do with Christmas. It's just trying to steal the spotlight from Santa. Rude.
Once you maneuver your way into the mall, you better stay alert. It will forever be beyond my level of comprehension why I am always 100% responsible for avoiding people running into me. If someone is walking towards me and neither one of us notice til we're too close and one of us has to dodge the other, it's always me. I actually tested this, refusing to dodge, pretty much playing chicken with the on comer. Head on collision, followed by an "EXCUSE YOU!" Alright, Terry Tate, Office Linebacker, I'll dodge you! Maybe THAT'S the life lesson talent we took from dodge ball in 2nd grade.
The stores, in preparation for the Holiday crowds, will attempt to reinvent the wheel of line-forming processes. Aside from the ropes used to make the lines being formed from garland or Christmas lights (so as to be festive) that will instantaneously fall to the ground and create a tripping hazard, the challenge of the check out doesn't stop there. There's always a counter-intuitive protocol that you're to follow, and a snooty, minimum wage employee directing traffic that MUST get an extra nickel every time he rolls his eyes at a customer. This guy only works at this time of year. The quantity of nickels he receives during these few weeks will tide him over for the rest of the year. Oh, I'll follow your crazy line rules, guy.
Also, this dodging applies to the mall cops. There once was a time when cops of any genre had to be fit. No more: introducing robo-cop. The mall cops now scoot around the entire place on a Segway. Which I'm convinced is the only way that company is still in business. The best is that they have helmets and everything. I'm 100% sure that "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" is equally as inspirational to these folks as "Rudy" is to the 2nd string football player. I haven't yet gotten to see them enforce the mall law yet: one day I will, and my life just might be complete.
All this walking will inevitably make you thirsty, and getting a beverage will lead to needing to go to the bathroom. The only bathroom I'm aware of is the one at the entrance to the Pink Pig. Yep, we're back at that freak show. I can't comment on the men's room, but I know it's a general rule of thumb that those are usually grosser than the ladies rooms. Should that be the case here, Lenox mall might be condemned by the CDC soon, so get your Christmas shopping done early. The ladies room is a horror show. Once I walk in, I immediately start gagging, which will garner a look of judgement from the friend that I am with, and my reminding them "You know I get gaggy.". The friend will usually already be aware of this, and press on. I've magically managed to accomplish the entire process in the ladies room with 1 hand, because far be it from me to put anything I'm carrying on any surface in that horrid place. Washing your hands is beyond a health requirement, it's almost the law. For the brief moment after you've washed your hands, you are germ free. That's until you go to dry your hands. No paper towels, just blow dryers. I HATE these devices. They don't dry my hands as much as they just blow poop air all over them. Gross. Can't wait to eat a pretzel now.
Once you decide that you are, in fact, done with this place, you get to find your way out of the deck. This might be why I park on the top: you can get a birds eye view of your escape route. Should you be the unlucky soul that parks IN the deck, don't make the mistake of following ANY signs. Those "Exit" signs are put up there by the mall to keep you trapped in the deck so that you will eventually give up and just go back in and keep shopping. I'm on to you, Lenox mall. Should you Copernicus your way out of the deck, high tail it down Lenox and do not look back. You've gotten out alive, possibly without being escorted out by security should you snap at any point.
This little excursion is not enough to ruin my holiday spirit, however. I know my limitations, so I don't put myself in a position to lose it this Christmas Season. I'm not a black Friday camper. More power to the "patience of Job" human being that is.
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