I recently turned 25, which couldn’t have made me feel more decrepit. To top off my frustration, anyone a mere second older than me has said to me “Oh I remember being 25! I’d give anything to be that age again”. This got me thinking… exactly what age would I give “anything” to be. And having given it a lot of thought, I’ve landed on the dream age: 86. Now, you might wonder, exactly what person in their right mind would choose the “twilight of their life” as the primo age. Well, I’ve backed my decision up with quite a few reasons, and I feel that after you read this post, you might agree with me.

Reason 1: The Hoveround

There might not be any item in this world better than all the geriatric gizmos we’ve got on the market today. The one gadget that literally blows my mind is the Hoveround. To the point where, I’m not exactly sure why we don’t see every person over the age of 65 scootin’ themselves any and everywhere. The Hoveround is an electric power chair that allows you to go off-roading, make tight turns around corners, and chase your grandson around the house. But, I’m not going to describe everything about it, I’ll let the commercial do that for me.

Sold. First of all, what they didn’t tell you about this commercial was that the batteries ran out on Bernice and Joy’s Hoverounds, and they are actually still at the Grand Canyon. Aside from that, this power chair is a God send. And I don’t mean a God send for people who are disabled. I mean a God send for people like me, who will actually hold it because they’re too lazy to walk to the bathroom 10 feet away. And to think, if I had one of these bad boys I wouldn’t have to pretend to not be a sloth, and I’d be “free to see the world”. But everyone will get real judgy if abled-body Ainsley starts scooting to work. Old people – 1, Ainsley – 0.

Reason 2: Handicapped Spaces

What happens when a borderline blind, 4 foot 2, 85 year old man goes to get his driver’s license renewed? Do they take the license away, for fear that he will back into his closed garage door for the 5^th time this year? Nope. They give Mr. Magoo a new license good for 10 years and a handicapped permit. And let’s face it, people with handicapped stickers really get all the luck. Primo parking spaces, they get to ride the electric cart in the airport, people will literally push them wherever they want to go. I’m not saying I wish I couldn’t walk. I’m just saying when I’m 76 years old, maybe I can walk and maybe I fake it to get these diamond medallion level perks.

Reason 3: The End-All Be-All Excuse

“She’s old. She doesn’t know any better.” This phrase will literally get you out of everything. With this in your titanium-hip pocket, you are allowed to forget everyone’s name because you call everyone “dear”, you are allowed to write your grandchildren birthday checks for a mere $7 (one dollar for every year they’ve been alive), and you are allowed to wear adult diapers (See my reasoning for this perk in the “Hoveround” section). You’re also allowed to say literally everything that comes to your mind as loudly as you want, which is the apex of my dream pile if you ask me. Say some girl walks into a room wearing very little clothing and a little too much make-up. Any 80+ year old woman has the 100% right to scream “Well, doesn’t she look like a hooker!”. We were all thinking it Nana, I’m just glad you get away with saying it.

Reason 4: They start turning you into a robot

Knee replacements, hip replacements, you name it. Sure, they’re time consuming and not the most comfortable situation, but exactly who said that getting robot legs was going to be easy? I absolutely love the concept that once your bones turn to glass, ready to shatter at any moment, doctors start replacing them with titanium. So, by the age of 76, I intend to be at least 50% Wolverine from XMEN.

Reason 5: Wigs and fake teeth

It’s like Halloween every day. I feel like our elderly aren’t seeing the silver lining of the fact that they don’t have teeth and hair anymore. They get the regular old people dentures, which rival the smile of Mr. Ed the horse, and they get the typical grey curly poof wig. You know what I’m going to do when I’m in that position? Vampire teeth and a Marge Simpson wig. You can go crazy! You’re like a real life Mr. Potato head.

And let’s not forget this beaut. It simply needs no explanation. You don’t have to walk up stairs. Done. Also, I’d like to point out that the lady in this picture looks pretty capable of walking. She’s cheating the system.

At the end of the day, some might think I’m making fun of old people. And that couldn’t be further from what I’m doing. These are all the “gold medal at the end of the race” scenarios that I’ve painted. They’ve earned the right to scoot around, screaming at people. And while I’m going to enjoy every year of my life up til this point, I’m surely not dreading the sunset years. Bring ‘em on.