So when I’m working on something at work and I don’t want to
be disturbed, I put my headphones on and listen to music. It in no way keeps
people away from my desk, but it does give me the chance to listen to Disney
radio on Pandora. As I was listening to these songs from my childhood, I
started to notice things… things that I did NOT pick up on as a child, but that
gnaw at me as an adult. How were these obvious truths lost on me? Was I that
oblivious? Apparently.
Movie Number 1: Beauty and The Beast
Newly Realized Fact: Gaston and Lefou are in love with each
other
There are multiple MULTIPLE song and dance numbers that
would prove my point. Highest ranking on that list is the ode to Gaston, sung
by Lefou. The song is actually called “Gaston”. Lefou LITERALLY says “every guy
here would like to be you Gaston, even when you’re taking lumps”. First of all,
gross. Also he says “in a wrestling match, no one bites like Gaston”. So
apparently Lefou is under the impression that what they do behind closed doors
is just “wrestling”.
Maybe their friendship blossomed during an innocent bout
of MMA style play-fighting. The heart wants what the heart wants, and Gaston
was obviously sexually confused and frustrated and took it all out on Belle for
rejecting him. I can’t believe Belle held it together and didn’t call him out
on this. She’s a better woman than I am.
Additional Newly Realized Fact: What the heck is going on in
that mansion?!
I guess I always just chocked it up to “magic” but I started
to ponder what was going on before the mansion was put under a curse, and I’ve got
to be honest, it was super screwed up pre-witch.
What the HECK was that spider carriage
before it became alive?! Did he literally have an inanimate spider carriage sitting
around? Where do they get all the food they eat? Who’s running out to buy food?
Is this mansion like it’s own biodome and it’s 100% self sufficient? At a certain
point Beast “gifts” Belle with his library. He clearly doesn’t understand the concept
of a gift.
That’s like if I went home and found a candle I have had for years and
don’t really care for and just gave it to someone as a birthday gift, but they have
to come over to my house to light it and use it. She should have turned around and
been like “here I’m surprising you with this bathroom on the 2nd floor
that was already there. You’re welcome.”
Movie Number 2: The Little Mermaid
Newly Realized Fact: Eric is an asshole and he’s going to
cheat on Ariel
Eric couldn’t be flakier. First of all he’s a sailor. That’s
equivalent to a modern day pilot, complete with hoes in different area codes.
Second, he obviously likes Ariel, but doesn’t want to commit because she’s not
perfect, so he puts her on the back burner and strings her along til someone
better comes along. We all had this happen to a friend, and we all know how it
ends.
Look at him. Completely emotionless. And don't be like "he was under a spell". That's bullshit.
He meets and marries someone else in the span of 12 hours. And ok,
alright, ok, alright, he didn’t go through with the wedding but I mean, he was
a microsecond away from it. If I were Ariel’s friend today I would tell her to
take her little flipper tail and skedaddle before she’s 12 years in to this
no-commit relationship and he accidentally leaves his phone unlocked and she
goes through it. Also Ariel is 16. Slow down crazy. Slow. Down.
Movie Number 3: The Lion King
Newly Realized Fact: Timon and Pumba have an undiscovered food
allergy
I mean, if Pumba isn’t singing about farting in every song, it
because he’s busy farting. No one is that gassy. He’s probably allergic to one of
those bugs he eats.
Also, down that vein, are we to believe that Simba eats bugs
from childhood to adulthood and comes out totally fine? I think lions have to eat
something like 90 pounds of meat in a single meal, and that lasts them about 4 hours.
Ladybugs aren’t going to get him there.
And I get that he’s the rightful king of
the pride, but I mean, what a flop. There has to be someone more qualified to run
things while he figures out how to behave a lion instead of a bloated warthog. And
Nala needs to cut her losses and get with someone who isn’t going to be such a social
liability.
