HGTV Shows
For the past forever we have been without real actual rich
people cable and have been using Sling which is slang for “I’ll take a random
assortment of channels for $20/month”. One such channel is HGTV. I’m convinced
that everyone watches this channel as much as we do. All the time. There are a
total of 4 shows on this channel, all of which are equally as absurd and we
cannot take our eyes off them.
Flip or Flop
You guys thought I was going to start with Fixer Upper, didn’t
you. Well I’m not. I’m starting with Flip or Flop because it’s the most
obnoxious and it’s on for the next 3 hours. It is about a couple named Tarek
and Christina.
Tarek, despite his name, is not a rich oil magnate from Yemen but is a lily white guy who is allergic to thinking about a home purchase for
longer than 12 seconds. Christina is an attractive tall blonde woman who cannot
keep her lisp at bay. She says more words containing the letter “S” than any
other human, and every time it’s a drop in the 30 minute Chinese water torture bucket
that is hearing her say “housth” and “sthunroom” and “sthtunning”.
This couple is the definition of “Every pot has a lid”. They
are sthoul matesth. Things they have
bonded over:
1. Thinking
massive cracks running throughout the foundation and flooring have nothing to
do with a structural issue with the home.
2. Assessing that a master bathroom gut and reno
will cost $6,000.
3. Pumping $100k into a home, adding no square
footage, and banking on a dollar for dollar pay back on said reno.
And last but not least, screaming “WHAT?!?!” in stereo every
time one of the above 3 things translates into a problem.
I have watched them successfully sell 1 home, over the dozen
episodes I’ve seen. That means that they currently own 11 flops. WHAT?!?!
Fixer Upper
OK duh I couldn’t wait to do this. Really annoyingly,
Buzzfeed has beaten me to a review of this show, which makes me feel robbed.
This show is #everythinggoals. Andy have watched them shabby chic and shiplap people’s
faces off for so many hours that we have started to resent them and just make
up flaws they have. We spent 12 minutes the other night rewinding the scene
where Joanna does a cartwheel because Andy was convinced she either had a tramp
stamp or lower back hair. She had neither. Because she’s flawless.
All I want is to be Joanna Gains. Her hair has an absurd
amount of volume in it for being in a ponytail on demo day. She has had 4
photoshopped children and you still couldn’t pay me to be in a swimsuit next to
her. She always knows when to wear her rainboots and it doesn’t even look like
they make her the least bit sweaty like they do to me. She has access to a printer
that can print 1:1 scale photos of homes on wheels. Bump Victoria’s Secret
models, she’s the one setting impossible standards.
Just. Hair Volume for dayz.
House Hunters International
This show has absolutely zero consistency. One episode the
realtor was actually an emu you guys. Every time they showed her face I almost
screamed and kept saying “why are they using an emu to sell them a beach home?!?!”
The couples on this
show have no business living in the same home, and the tagline is always like “She
wants a fixer upper detached home on the beach where they can do a full scale
reno themselves. He wants a move-in ready condo nowhere near a beach and he
doesn’t even own a hammer. Can this emu find something that will make them both
happy for less than $12?” Hint: nope.
Property Brothers
My favorite part of watching this show is seeing how long I
can go without making a joke about how the two brothers definitely make out. And if
they would just admit it, can you imagine how much fun you could have with word
play titles for this show? “Invest and Incest”. There, that took me like a
second. But ok, “They are just brothers”.
These two also subscribe to the notion that you can put 6 figures
of granite into a home and the renovation pays for itself. They also only
renovate like 2 rooms. So the rest of the house is always still a complete and
utter dump. But they pack a 1-2 punch on realtor/contractor and I legitimately
never have any idea which one does witch. I’m convinced this is a fixer upper
themed freaky Friday and there’s just 1 person to play both roles. The requirement
to have your home done by them is know nothing about renovating a home, be the
kind of person that requests 2 dishwashers 3 days before the reno is complete,
and be totally fine with the brothers decorating choices involving white leather
upholstery. Because duh.
