There were quite a few things growing up that actually scared the crap out of me, to the point where even to this day I will see something seemingly innocent and get a shiver. Allow me to elaborate.

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

The answer to that question is “I sure as heck am now that you just showed me this horror show in the middle of the day”. Every time they poured that bucket of water onto that fire at the end of the episodes, it was like they were extinguishing any chance of me being normal ever again. Exhibit A: Remember the episode where they played that arcade game in the mall, but then the game sucked them in, and they had to win to save their lives? And then at the end, when they won, the game just started over and they lived in the game forever? WHAT WAS THAT?! Or how about the episode when the lizard bit the kid and they swapped places, and they kept biting each other and swapping back and forth and at the end of the show the lizard won and stayed human and the boy was left a lizard? It’s like the writers of this show were convinced that happy endings were overrated and they’d rather scar us for life. And somehow, to drive the damage home, they incorporated a clown in just about every episode. As if the movie “It” didn’t freak us out enough about clowns. To this day, it’s cute if you think I’m going to touch a lizard. Or play a mall arcade game.

Goosebumps Books

These books brought the fury. My mom, hot off the heels of my night terrors from Are You Afraid Of The Dark, was not going to let me get any of these books at the Scholastic Book Fair. But me being the glutton for punishment that I was, would borrow the books from friends or magically snag the one copy from the school library, if it was ever checked back in. My favorite was the deluxe edition that screamed every time you opened the cover. They had the BEST titles too, like “Say Cheese and Die” about a camera that took your picture and then you died. The 15 Final Destination movies that they’ve made to date were simply ripped off from this specific Goosebumps book. Also, I’d like to point out, again with the clowns all over the place. These books we’re in cahoots with Nickelodeon to permanently eradicate clowns by terrifying our generation one by one. You win, you anti-clown club. I’m now a lifetime member. Also, I’d like to point out that R. L. Stine churned out a one of these bad boys as often as Lil Wayne busts out a crappy new music hit. There’s like a million of these books.

Fortunately, Life is an ebb and flow. A Ying and Yang. So for every scary feature of my childhood, there was an equally extreme, yet uplifting and happy feature. Here are 2 examples:

Tail Spin

I’m sorry, did you just rip off the cast of Jungle Book and make the animals pilots in the 1930’s era of flight? Of course you did. King Louie? Check. Baloo? Check. Shere Khan? Double Check. Not to mention, the little kid bear that would flip out what I can only assume was an Oriental Giesha fan and “wake board” behind the plane. How was he doing that?! I didn’t contemplate the logistics. I didn’t question the fact that they threw the law of gravity to the wind. I thought it was awesome. Not to mention that bear-child’s name was Kit Cloudkicker. Of course it was. Also, what was their job? I mean, I know that they flew, and I remember a cargo at some point, but I feel like 100% of the time they were flying to get away from Shere Khan. They weren’t actually flying for revenue. Also, what crawled up Shere Khan’s butt that he wouldn’t leave them alone? Episode after episode, with the same commitment that the coyote had in catching the road runner, that crazy lion was determined to get Baloo. Maybe take a day off, guy. Maybe get a job.

Darkwing Duck

I feel like whenever someone talks about super heros they mention the classics like Superman, Batman, now the Green Hornet. Everyone disregards the most interesting one. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall when the writers of this show came up with the costume. Let’s make a super hero TV show, where the superhero is a duck, naturally. One of the most courageous and terrifying creatures in the animal kingdom. A duck. And let’s make him exactly as awkward as his real life counterpart. Also, as often as possible, let’s incorporate the word “quack” into every aspect. Hence the birth of the phrase “That’s Quacktastic”. Or his sidekick, Launchpad McQuack, who I’m assuming is a duck of Irish decent. And the villain, Negaduck. Regardless of how absurd this premise, is, I loved this show. And you want to know why? Because the them song is still to this day stuck in my head. “When there’s trouble you call DW”. Anthem for my life.