Can The Dramatics

I honestly cannot believe I’ve gone this long without addressing the most absurd thing that is currently in my life: Facebook. This social media requisite for any 20-something is a virtual playground for the most dramatic people that ever existed, and it is on this forum that they will let their crazy flags fly. And that is why I love/hate/love it.

The Overreacter

Probably not a word, but to be fair, neither was “twerking” a hot minute ago. We all know the girl that breaks up with her boyfriend and spirals out of control. First it’s the really gloomy posts like “When is this ever going to stop hurting?”. Answer: Probably when you stop making us suffer from second-hand embarrassment at you airing your personal life out on facebook. That’s when.

These women (and they are always women) will even go so far as to deactivate and cancel their facebook accounts. Really, crazy pants? The guy you dated for 6 months just broke up with you and your solution is to DELETE the 1,562 pictures of yourself (85% of which are selfies btw). I can’t for the LIFE of me imagine why you two didn’t make it work, you’re so rational. Which brings me to my next point.

People That are Way too cool for Facebook

This is specific to people my age. If you’re 40 and you’re doin you out there, by all means, don’t sign up now. There’s nothing more tragic then someone blasting through their midlife crisis with 13 facebook friends because they just signed up and they are trying to find people. I’m talking about people who are like “Oh I never signed up for that…”. SHAAA-WHAAATTT?

  

And their reasons are like, “I have a super important job and I don’t want them to find me”. Settle down. No you don’t. And let’s pretend for 1 red hot second that you do have such a high profile job that people are seeking you out non-stop in attempts to fire you… Maybe just untag the keg stand pics of yourself. That’s all. No one is going to be like “well, her profile says she likes music and her favorite show is Big Bang Theory… I think we have enough here to get her fired”.

People That Should Deactivate Their Account

There’s always an exception to the rule, and these people are it. They have absolutely no clue how to behave in public and should not be allowed on facebook or within 10 yards of me at any point. These are the absolute train wrecks that will put posts like “I’m just really sad right now” and when people ask what happened they reply “I don’t want to talk about it”. These people should be sad about the fact that I now hate them.

They also will put posts like “I’m going to the movies alone, who wants to join me?!”. Hey, Lonely, don’t do that. Don’t put that info out there. Because you know who does want to join you? Someone who wants to take your skin off your body and make lamp shades for his house. That message is intended for a group text at best.

The rapid-updater should also exit facebook, stage right. I had a relative put 67 posts up in 30 minutes. She is completely blocked from my account at this point after I tediously reported each post as “racially charged”. Granted, none of them were, but there was no option that was “this person is a lunatic and they must be stopped” so “racist” was the next closest description.

The over-liker. Hi, person I haven’t interacted with in person since 2^nd grade. I’m glad you like every picture that’s ever been posted ever of me- quite frankly, so do I. But the fact that you click “like” on them the instant they are uploaded makes me think that you might be the skin-lampshade person from before.

The worst part is, the greater the infraction, the more fascinating I find these people. My friend Jill has a friend on Facebook that is such a horror show that we look at her profile once a week. And Jill will not let me friend request this person for fear that the request will be tied back to Jill and she’ll get unfriended and lose access to this precious gift. This is a twisted world we live in.